I Remain Immature

Lots of snow this year.

I have been out of my mind. Angry, curt with Carol, explosive, selfish and immature.

The job continues to torture. Lots of self-pity there.

A smashed windshield. My temper has gotten the better of me - at least 108 times since Tuesday.

I could give you 55 other examples of my inability (immaturity) to handle my emotions in 2023 - and today is only March 16.

I will probably never achieve anything in life if I don't learn to control my emotions. And the worst of it is that Carol bears the brunt of it all. She should kill me, but she doesn't. I don't know why.

I am a severly emotional man. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, on my face, in my words, in my actions and reactions.

That is just something to consider. It is not an excuse. 

Adults control their emotions. I do not. And it fucks up everything I do. I gotta get a handle on that. I have to make that happen. Can I? How the fuck do I do it? Stupidity is my go-to reaction in every case, a learned response solidified over 55 years. How do I turn that fucking cruise ship around?

In addition I am unable to compartmentalize. Tom Brady is a master at it.

I called him for advice. He asked my age. When I told him I am 69 he said "You're not worth my effort, you'll be dead soon." I was shocked, having never seen that side of him.

I cannot judge each episode in my life on its own merit. Every bad thing that happens to me gets tossed on the pile, and it is a skyscraper-tall pile. "I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link and yard by yard...............or would you know the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas-eves ago. You have laboured on it since. It is a ponderous chain."  Jacob Marley.

My chain is ponderous. I have laboured on it for around 55 years.

I remember every bad thing about my life, even tiny, insignificant things people have said to me. I dwell on each and every one of them. But I can't remember good things.

My life in my head is an infinite series of mistakes, omissions, bad decisions and no decisions. So when a new bad thing comes along, its significance is amplified a million times over.

It is a miracle I can stand upright.

Normal people, at least mature adults, compartmentalize and rationalize and understand how life works. They look at each situation as a one-off, they deal with it and move on. They don't slit their own throats every time something goes wrong.

If I am in the mood for ziti and all we have is rigatoni, I put my fist through a window. I didn't put ziti on the shopping list. I didn't pick it up on my own. I didn't take inventory. I didn't plan ahead. I am a fucking moron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........................

And I spent 25 miserable years as an accountant, I have lived in Henniker well beyond the freshness date, I failed in business, I am paying for my house ten times over, I can't afford to retire, I'm fat, I get zero respect and I don't deserve it.............

That is essentially what plays out in my head subconsciously. The stench of infinite failure poisons anything new that goes wrong. That's why no ziti results in stitches.

You think I am exaggerating. I am not. My reactions are way out of proportion to the actual significance of the event.

Pretty fucked up, huh?