Here's What I Am Thinking

Buried in snow today.

Snowed all day, still snowing. A large branch broke off a tree and landed on my car.

Cracked my fucking windshield. Not sure about the rest of the damage because the snow is so deep and the branch so large I couldn't get a good look. Pretty sure the hood is banged up. Also not sure how bad the windshield is - I could only get a look at a small area of it.

I bought this car brand new in 2020. First brand new car for me in decades.

In 2021 I positioned myself for a good 2022. I did a lot of work on myself and was convinced 2022 would be my year.

In January of 2022 my knee let go - a minsicus tear that sidelined me for most of the year. Surgery in April, slow recovery, couldn't exercise blah blah blah. I got fat. I got slow. I got down.

In January of 2023 I came roaring back. Exercising my ass off. The King of Determination. Against all odds. Trying desperately to find another way.................a different job, some oxygen for my soul, a chance at a life.

Today a branch fell on my car and cracked the windshield.

You know how I feel about life - if you don't beat it into submission it will torture and destroy you. Which it has done to me. I deserve it. All of it. I did it to myself by underestimating life's brutality and my own abilities.

But it goes further than that.

I believe there is some sort of mystical thing, something ethereal about being alive that goes beyond the cause and effect of black and white actions. Karma. I didn't want to go there but it captures what I am trying to say. I believe if you fuck up enough you create an aura, a negative karma, that will sabotage any good thing you can do for yourself. A shield to defend against happiness.

Bought the car brand new in 2020. After 4900 miles the transmission let go. Had to have it replaced.

Punishment.

2022 my knee fucks me up at a time when I was feeling really good about myself. 

Punishment.

Today a branch falls on my car and cracks the windshield in a year when I am working hard to get back in the game before the game comes to a premature fucking end. 

Punishment.

It is entirely possible that I have gone beyond the tipping point. To a place where happiness is impossible. Outlawed. Not allowed.

It is entirely possible that I have put so much negative bullshit out into the world through sheer failure, that I drag it around with me, like Jacob Marley with his chains. That I will trip over it every time I take a step towards happiness. And fall on my face.

In addition, I have always questioned the wisdom of being a good boy. I have put some effort into doing just that in the last three years and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere.

What's the fucking point? I have a lot more fun when I fuck around. 

If trying to get happy is just a colossal waste of fucking time at this point of my life, why not throw in the towel and just stop giving a shit about anything at all. Why not be completely reckless in the short time I have left?

It is entirely possible that my life is already over, the end is pre-determined, and that I am just banging my head against a karmic wall. Continuing a lifelong habit of doing the wrong thing. Taking the wrong fucking approach.

I have no fucking clue what I should do. Time is so fucking short it causes paralysis of the decision-making process.

I know where I want to end up. Will discipline get me there? Will lunacy get me there?

Who the fuck knows.