Went for a two mile walk this morning. The birds were chirping, the breeze was whispering, the river was flowing, the sun was shining and it was warm/hot. Absolutely magnificent. Got my brain clicking and my heart ticking. It is such a peaceful thing to do. We live on a picturesque street, and when you go out on a Wednesday morning you get quiet and beauty and solace. Got back and jumped on the exercise bike for twenty minutes. Snuck in a couple of sit ups and some light weight work so I don't get flabby old man arms. By the time I was done I was sweating like Kevin Youkilis. Not pretty. But I felt pretty good. You see there is another side to me. I don't just sit around swilling whiskey and feeling sorry for myself. I keep warning you - don't try to pigeonhole me. Your head will explode.
My approach to life revolves around a delicate balance of alcohol abuse, self loathing, exercise and hope. Works for me. Hunter S. Thompson said "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me." I am not in his league as far as decadence goes but I do believe there is some wisdom in those words.
Good example. Tough day yesterday at The Booze Emporium. Physically exhausting and mentally weird, it was a rushed and frenzied day. My muscles hurt and I was in deep psychological pain. My nerves were on edge. Dr. Feelgood recommended beer and whiskey. Nothing else would work for me. Not meditation, not prayer (jesus doesn't love me). I took the prescribed medication and balance was restored.
So now I am in church. Sitting in front of the keyboard. Today is June 1, 2011. I am feeling fearful, filled with trepidation and inspired with determination. By the end of the month the year will be half over. At the age of 57, months feel like seconds. Scares the shit out of me. I am trying to do something here. Trying to break everything down, scrape it all away, and get to the real me. And happiness. It's hard work.
May was a weird month. I was off balance and I don't know why. So I'm feeling the pressure this month. Plus the warm weather is almost here and I know I got to grab a hold of that. Winter is already gearing up, leering at me with a sarcastic grin, taunting me with promises of ice frustration and snow depression.
I'm feeling the urgency but I'm up for the task. Confidence has sprouted in 2011. Don't know where the hell that came from but I will keep nurturing it until I am filled with braggadocio.(One of Maurice's favorite words on Northern Exposure). I know I am a talented, intelligent, charismatic young lad and that I can do much better than part time jobs and tiny, embarrassing paychecks.
Don't want to come across as too materialistic. After all I am trying to develop a more spiritual, thoughtful approach to life. But it really is all about the Benjamins, baby. Carol and I do not live extravagantly. If I earned an average income we could live pretty well. My paychecks are so small that if I offered one to a homeless person he would laugh at me while he was ripping it up and then spit on my shoes. Then I would have to kill him. But I digress.
So I'm measuring my progress in dollar bills. And I ain't seen any extra yet in 2011. And to be perfectly honest I am going beyond that. I lust for a beautiful summertime car. A gorgeous black and gold motorcycle. Brand new winter time vehicle. I have tried to convince myself for years that I don't need these things but suddenly I feel like I can't live without them. I no longer just want to live in dignity, I want people to say "who the hell is that guy?" as I scream by in my fire engine red brand new f----ing corvette, hair flying, Bose sound system blasting, beautiful wife Carol next to me as we head up to our summer home on the lake. Our fifteen room, 5 acre summer home with a wrap around screened in porch, five bedrooms, sauna, outdoor kitchen and huge floor to ceiling windows over looking the lake on the sunset side.
I'll start with a little success. Enough to give us going out to eat dignity. Nice clothes dignity. Not worrying about every goddamn bill dignity.
But then I want it all. I want every goddamn thing that I have never had before. I want style and opulence and ease and beauty and excess.
Wow. I started out by staring June right in the face as it challenged me to achieve. I ended up with champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
Dig it, baby. That's who I am.
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