Sara Palin and the Doik

Sara Palin came over for dinner and we had to give her a bib.
The whole thing came about so suddenly, but we saw it as an interesting experience that we could not pass up. She called us one day out of the blue. We were lazing around watching MSNBC, the phone rang and it was Sara. Not an aide, not an assistant but Sara herself. It took a few minutes for me to become convinced but I finally recognized the sincerity of concern in her voice, her respect for the little man for which she is so well known. She was going to be in New Hampshire and wanted to take the opportunity to meet some real people, people in their homes, people livin their lives. Her politics are not my politics but she's kind of a babe for a politico so I figured why not.
The bus pulled into the driveway that night and we were blown away. Actually it didn't pull in immediately because Carol's car and my truck were in the way. The horn blew, we went outside and there it was. She asked if we could put our vehicles out on the street; the bus had to park in the driveway for security reasons. Seemed a bit pretentious but we did it for Sara. The bus was a bit of a shock. On the phone she had explained that she was traveling incognito, that she didn't want to draw any attention to herself because it was all about getting real with the little people. The thing was huge, it was adorned with a reproduction of the Constitution of the United States, it had her picture on the side with the slogan "Sara loves America more than anybody else" in neon lime green. Sara was behind the wheel.
It took quite a few swings for her to get the thing in the driveway but she eventually made it. One guy stepped out of the bus behind her with a smirk on his face; she introduced him as her bodyguard and we noticed him quickly grabbing a tag off his shirt and stuffing it in his pocket. The tag said bus driver. Kind of confusing.
Coincidentally MSNBC was on the tube when she strutted into the house. Her gigantic smile disappeared for half a second as she muttered something about the lame stream media, but her composure was quickly regained. She was wearing a wrinkled sweatshirt, jeans, and work boots. But her nails were immaculate and her makeup appeared to be professionally applied. The clothes didn't look quite right on her.
I offered her a glass of wine but she said 'Don'tcha have a beer? We Alaskans like our beer. Somethin American. Like Dos Equis."
The conversation was really cool. Sara explained that visits like these helped her to get in touch with the real workin class people of this country, to get honest insight into what we are thinkin and how we are gettin along. I sensed genuine concern in her voice, although making eye contact was like playing ping pong in a hurricane. I just assumed she was nervous.
When I asked specific questions to better understand her policies, her eyes would glaze over. It was weird. She would go into a trance like state and begin muttering things like Obamacare, and birth certificate, and killing grandma, almost as if these were comments she had memorized with no thought or understanding as to what they meant or how inflammatory they could be. I just assumed she was tired.
We finally sat down to dinner and I was proud. I had barbecued up a heap of meat and Carol had prepared her awesome green beans and her even awesomer potatoes.
That's when things got weird. Sara had trouble actually getting the food into her mouth. It kept falling off the utensils. When it did make it to her mouth she kind of snorted and sucked it in. She was making a mess and I could sense her embarrassment. Her neatly wrinkled sweatshirt was seriously stained. Looked like modern art. Finally she explained that Alaskans eat with their hands. They are into doin things naturally, gettin as real as they can get.
That's when I gave her the bib. Actually it was a doik. This is something my Uncle Carmen designed decades ago. It fits over your head and protects your chest AND your back. Sara really took to it. And she needed it.
The visit was over much too quickly. We thanked her for her time, she thanked us for our awesome insight into the little man's life and she promised to do everything in her power to make our lives easier. I thought I sensed a touch of revulsion, maybe a little disgust at having come in contact with the great unwashed, but I'm sure I only imagined it.
I didn't notice who got behind the wheel of the bus but I did notice that it backed out with ease.
A couple of months later we were watching MSNBC. Rachel Maddow was poking fun at Sara Palin's latest fund raising effort. Sara was selling doiks with her picture on them and the slogan "Sara Palin - Keeping America Clean for our Children and Our Childrens' Children." There is a lot of ad space on a doik.
Rachel reported that Sara has already raised $250,000.
I didn't get too angry. I left that up to Uncle Carmen's lawyer.