Thursday, June 20, 2013

Silly Rabbit, Seminars Are For Kids

Attended a seminar on Monday. A course. A class. Whatever you want to call it.

I have attended a number of these things over the course of my "professional" career. I have always found them to be disturbing.

I think maybe decades ago they were a tad more professional. Now they are geared towards fifth graders.

This course was on improving customer service. The lecturer actually advised that when talking to a customer you should shoot for a fifth grader's level of comprehension. For co-workers, eighth grade will do. This nugget of advice is designed to facilitate efficient communication.

Unbelievable.

Apparently what she left out is that for seminars, second grade will do.

She had us all draw a pig and then get up and walk around showing everybody else and her what our pig looked like. Then she explained how the way you draw the pig reveals things about your nature.

She asked us to identify our three strongest traits as managers, and our three weakest. She asked us, one by one, to read these out loud. Then she asked us to walk around and hook up with the people whose strengths were our weaknesses to get advice.

Apparently she does not take into consideration lying, self deception and general tomfoolery.

She asked us to identify a typical liquor store problem and write down solutions with a marker on static cling plastic. Then we were asked to hang the static cling plastic on the wall with one group representative explaining our thinking.

These things are designed to keep you involved. They are designed to keep you awake. I understand that. The goddamn seminar was 6 hours long and believe me I was ready for a nap fifteen minutes in.

I am proud to say that not once did I leave my table, walk around, engage in child-like behavior. I kept my involvement to the barest minimum. Although I was exponentially amused when someone came to me to ask advice on what I identified as one of my strong points. As I talked to this person, I was experiencing a surreal moment of disbelief, as if my mouth was not connected to my body.

It was the highlight of the day.

More could be achieved through intellectual stimulation than through kindergarten psychology. Actual learning would be nice. It would be nice to walk away with a feeling of being challenged than with a feeling of sweet relief at having endured 6 hours of condescension.

I have a certificate. It says that I "have successfully completed the requirements to hold this certificate in Excellent Customer Service."

Of course it is impossible for me to know, but, I don't think this certificate is on a par with my college diploma. I don't think it is on a par with my high school diploma.

I think it is on a par with the diploma the Wizard of Oz gave to the Scarecrow.

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