As I Continue to Age

Tri-focals.

I am wearing fucking tri-focals now. TRI.

Been wearing bi-focals for a couple of months but there was something wrong there, baby. The distance part worked for DISTANCE. Unfortunately, 75% of my looking occurs in the middle ground. The distance part was too much, the close up part was grotesquely inconvenient.

The only way to make it work was to tilt my head up to the sky and look down.

I started switching back and forth between my reading glasses and the bi-focals. I needed the reading glasses for computer obligations and middle distance stuff, the bi-babies for length.

What a pain in the ass.

Of course I kept getting caught with the wrong glasses on, like when I'm sitting at the computer and I have to suddenly run down to the register to kiss some customer's ass. I could see the register fine but the customer's face was a blur.

Which is not a bad thing.

Or I would head out back to grab a precious case of wine, wearing the bi-focals and be unable to read the labels unless I grabbed the glasses off my nose and raised them up enough to look through the bottom.

In addition I swear the bi's were tinted somehow, someway. I never really felt like I was seeing distance clearly. My eyes were strained. When I wore the reading glasses it was like looking through a window. Clear. With the bi-focals it was like looking through plastic. I was never comfortable with them.

I gave up with all the adjustments and switching and settled for an almost permanent blur.

Finally got fed up and went in to see Dr. Eyeball and he suggested tri-focals.

I thought, great, now I am going to look like a bobble head doll, constantly moving my head around to see through the appropriate window.

Not so. I picked up the tri's yesterday. This is the good part of the story. To make up for all the previous whining.

I love them. I adapted immediately. I no longer need to switch to reading glasses to sit at the computer. I no longer need to switch to anything at all.

Distance is clear, middle ground is clear, reading is divine. The only small inconvenience is that if I am talking to you up close you are in the middle distance. I have to tip my head back to get to the middle of the lens. Feels a tad uncomfortable but it ain't no big deal.

60 has kicked my ass. Pinched nerve. Bi-focals. Tri-focals. High blood pressure.

I'm kicking back.

I will not go gentle into that good night.