Monday, May 18, 2015

An Involuntary Reaction Made Permanent

I am still shaking my head.

Not with any conscious effort. It happens suddenly, a quick awkward move, almost like ducking a punch.

Maybe I am trying to duck reality.

Every time I think about Sarge, Jonathan and Kevin.

It started on December 16, 2014. Got reinforced on December 17, 2014 and  was made permanent on March 14, 2015.

I recoil in disbelief and sadness.

At first I thought it would go away.

It has not yet. And the emotional violence of my reaction suggests to me that it may never go away.

The thoughts sometimes come out of nowhere, sometimes something sparks them.

I was driving home from The Asylum the other day and saw a guy walking down the side of the road who reminded me of Kevin. Same approximate body build, maybe he moved like Kevin. I don't know what it was specifically.

Instant tears.

Over the last two years we have spent one day of the Memorial Day weekend at Sarge and Cori's for their annual barbecue.

Sarge supervised as Kevin and I cooked.

Gonna be a lot different this year.

If I do end up at the grill there will be a moment when my tears will flow.

It will happen when nobody is near me, when people have walked away to socialize and smile.

A brief moment with a beer in my hand and Sarge and Kevin in my heart.

The tears will come even if I do not tend to the grill. At some point, unbidden as emotions are overwhelmed.

However, socializing and smiling is what Sarge and Cori are all about.

And that is what I am going to do.

We have Cori and John anchoring the party and a lot of great Maine people who are close in our hearts. People who became our friends at The Grille, through Cori and Sarge.

I always say that good people attract good people.

The proof is in these people we call friends.

There will probably be an involuntary reaction or two on my part but socializing and smiling will rule the day.

That's just the way it's gotta be.

Carol and I are looking forward to a great day filled with laughter, conversation, memories recalled and memories being made.


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