Saturday, May 23, 2015

New Shoes

Had a tough week (from my perspective) so I am digging on this weekend.

I have to qualify tough because as I tell you about it it will become obvious that what I call tough is less than nothing compared to what other people are forced to endure.

However, I bare my soul in here regardless of the consequences, so here we go again.

I got slammed with rejection right off the bat this week regarding a job I applied for a week or so ago.

I thought I had this one in the bank because I interviewed for the same job last fall and was a semi-finalist. They picked some slug for the job (I met her because that job and my job intersect) and I could not believe they chose her over me.

Fast forward to now. The woman had been on the job seven months and either quit or got fired.

I re-applied with confidence.

Not even an interview.

Kaboom.

I was suicidal the day I found out because I was at work, trapped like a rat, forced to go through the motions of my hideous job, knowing full well that hope had died.

Something broke in me, job search-wise. I will no longer apply for jobs I know I will hate.

Like accounting. Or any other goddamn job that is going to put a strangle hold on my soul.

If I am going to play this game it will now be on my terms. Period.

So there was that.

Then a 1:00 a.m. night on Tuesday and the same on Wednesday.

Pretty tired on Thursday, but I dragged myself to cribbage night in the woods. This is the third summer Carol and I have gathered with good friends to play cribbage and laugh.

It's a good night. Problem is I am not a natural card player, I don't have a card playing mind and I have not made any effort to improve my game.

I end up being the village idiot on cribbage night. The only one who cannot play the game intelligently, who doesn't understand the strategy, who can't keep track of the rules - who just doesn't get it.

This is all on me. I know I am smart enough to master the game. I have to put in the effort.

The gang we play with will sometimes bust my balls and I have zero problem with this. None.

They are a competitive bunch with a great sense of humor. And when I look at it from the right perspective, my sloppiness is pretty silly.

The problem is in my head. I hate looking like a fool so it tortures me to come across so stupidly.

Yeah, I hear you. You are telling me to do something about it.

Beginning today I am committing myself to learning this game. Gonna study it like a scholar and play it like an addict.

So there is that.

As far as Thursday went the only way for me to handle that kind of humiliation is to get drunk.

So I did.

And paid for it Friday at work, humping cases of booze around and wondering why Jesus invented alcohol.

The week spit me in to today.

When I got a new pair of shoes. Ordered from DSW, sitting in the mailbox when I went out to get Carol's paper this morning.

Nu Balance walking shoes.

Me being me, I feel like this is prophetic. Perfect timing.

Got a new attitude about job searching, a renewed commitment to learning and enjoying cribbage, and an overall inspiration to save my life.

New shoes, fresh start, new look, new perspective.

Already broke in the new shoes as I have become The Walking Dude, walking the hell out of the month of May.

As always, time will tell.

Ciao.

 



No comments:

Post a Comment