I am going to provide insight to today's race.
I qualify my opinions in advance by telling you I know nothing about horse racing.
Don't follow it at all.
The only races I watch are the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes. And if the same horse does not win the first two, I gotta admit, my interest wanes.
Still I advise you to take my advice and bet everything you own and everything you are on the horse that I pick.
Here's the lineup:
Post 1 - Ocho Ocho Ocho. This is a terrible name. It is boring. Do not pick this horse.
Post 2 - Carpe Diem. The name connects beautifully with the opportunity, but it is a cliche. Do not pick this horse.
Post 3 - Materiality. The name is a blatant homage to greed and corruption. Do not pick this horse.
Post 4 - Tencendur. The name reminds me of Santender. The bank. What a terrible association. Do not pick this horse.
Post 5 - Danzig Moon. This is your winner. Ethereal, hypnotic name. Ignore the 50 to 1 odds. Pick this horse - bet on this horse - to win.
Post 6 - Mubtaahij. Unpronounceable name. Do not pick this horse.
Post 7 - El Kabeir. I was tempted to pick this horse because the name reminds me of El Kabong. El Kabong was a cartoon figure, in mask and cape, who smashed people over the head with his guitar.
Ultimately I decided the name is derivative. Do not pick this horse. (Just found out this guy is scratched from the race. If I find out you bet this pick you will be severely disciplined)
Post 8 - Dortmund. Sounds dork-like. Do not pick this horse.
Post 9 - Bolo. For some reason the name reminded me of the movie Bolero, starring Bo Derek. Reason enough to do anything. Still, unchecked libido and horse racing seems like a dangerous mix.
Do not pick this horse.
Post 10 - Firing Line. William F. Buckley Jr. Forget about it. Do not pick this horse.
Post 11 - Stanford. No thought at all went into this name. Do not pick this horse.
Post 12 - International Star. Too much ego. Do not pick this horse. (Just found out this guy is scratched from the race. If I find out you bet this pick you will be severely disciplined)
Post 13 - Itsaknockout. Crash commercialism, disgusting hype. Do not pick this horse.
Post 14 - Keen Ice. Tempting. Interesting name suggesting strange associations. Ultimately not interesting enough. Do not pick this horse.
Post 15 - Frosted. Do they mean Frosted Flakes or intense anger? Not clear enough. Do not pick this horse.
Post 16 - War Story. Dark implications twisted around a murky view of patriotism. Do not pick this horse.
Post 17 - Mr. Z. Has a spy-like connotation, or maybe a hired killer type of vibe. Not appropriate for children. Do not pick this horse.
Post 18 - American Pharoah. Confusing imagery. No allegiance to any one country. Do not pick this horse.
Post 19 - Upstart. Sounds like a rebel but it could be a manufactured nickname, like in NASCAR when they call Kyle Bush "Wild Thing." Are you serious? Do not bet on this horse.
Post 20 - Far Right. Too goddamn conservative. Do not pick this horse.
OK. I have laid out your future for you. I have handed you an affluent "rest of your life" on a plate.
Bet your house, your savings account, your wife's car and her mink stole, your soul and your first born child on Danzig Moon.
Do you have any idea what the payout will be when your horse comes in at 50 to 1?
You will be lighting Cuban cigars with thousand dollar bills and stuffing your pillows with hundreds.
Somewhere around 6:26 tonight your life will become the dream you have always imagined.
You have me to thank for that.
We'll talk.
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