Brain Scenes

Apparently I live in a permanent hallucinatory state.

I am eternally exhausted but I have learned to live with it, although I would like to discover the cause and deal with it. Maybe life would be a totally different thing if I was not fatigued every minute of every day.

However I am too tired to make the effort to find out.

I can close my eyes at any time during the day and quickly slip into a semi-sleep state. Not really asleep, not really awake; some fascinating place in the middle.

When I do, I immediately start "dreaming".

These are not full fledged dreams, but they are scenes. Like if I peeked into my skull right in the middle of a dream.

It is bizarre and fascinating to me.

It is almost instantaneous, and this is what fascinates me. What is going on in my brain that it doesn't have to work up to a dream state? That I don't have to descend into a deep sleep before my brain starts to entertain?

It seems to me that normally there is some sort of progression where the body relaxes, the breathing changes and the mind kicks into gear. A progression that takes time.

We visited the Red Sox at Fenway yesterday, and during the long, arduous drive down I experienced at least five of these hallucinatory states. I slip into them quickly, they are never related and I come right back when Carol talks to me.

The fact that they are not related fascinates me too. They can be bizarre, mundane, amusing, or unnerving, but as I jump from one to the other there is no connection.

It is not a bad thing, really. I am endlessly entertained.

It's just that I am examining the state of my mind intently right now, trying to bend and shape the way it works to a place where I can actually blow my life sky high with a perspective shift.

Or maybe I am zigging and zagging down a one way road leading directly to a rubber room.

Exactly how much effort should I exert?