Father's Day

I am experiencing today, emotionally, in a way I never have before.

I was sitting in a quiet house with a cup of coffee and a book this morning and I was feeling something. Feeling it powerfully.

It took me a while to define it but I think it boils down to gratitude.

I thought about pride, I thought about happiness, I thought about satisfaction, but I think I am being overwhelmed with gratitude.

There are two men in my life - their names are Keith and Craig - and they are my sons.

As much as I consider myself a wordsmith I could never explain the emotion that consumes me with that simple phrase.

They are my sons.

I love them with everything that I am, everything I ever was and everything I will ever be.

They have been an intense source of love for me since May 3, 1980 and October 23, 1983 and continue to be so today. I worship our relationship.

Carol and I attended a memorial mass and cemetery ceremony for our nephew Kevin yesterday.

It was extremely difficult because it dredged up the powerful emotions we have tried to keep in check since March 14.

I watched Wayne, Kevin's father, cry in church. Harder still, I watched him cry at Kevin's graveside.

On the day before Father's Day.

It shredded my emotions and permeated my feelings about Father's Day.

I will see my brother Ed today, my brother who I love deeply and unconditionally, who I respect and look up to and always have.

Today is Ed's first Father's Day since his only son, his only child, Jonathan passed away.

I cannot imagine what he is going through. I can, however, imagine the emotion.

I don't know how I will react when I first see Ed today. I am not good at keeping my emotions under control. It will be what it will be and whatever it is, it will be genuine.

I always dig Father's Day. I am proud to be father to Keith and Craig. I am proud of the men they have become. I am proud that we are still close.

But what I am feeling today has taken on a different, deeper twist.

What I want more than anything is for Jonathan and Kevin to be alive so Ed and Wayne can experience the happiness they deserve.

That is only a dream.

The reality is that I will enjoy an amazing day with my two sons and my brother while being grateful for being able to do so.

I am the textbook definition of lucky. Two magical sons that make me happy and proud whenever I think about them. If I can't see them I can call them up in my mind and it brings me peace.

I have a wife, Carol, together for 37 years, with whom I share a relationship that is now so deep that it amazes me with it's depth, it's love and the strength it gives us to take on life.

I have a brother who is also my best friend and a role model to emulate.

Which I am trying harder to do as I gain more wisdom.

I have an extended family that is loving and tough; tough enough to deal with life's most difficult realities and still stick together.

I could feel guilt today if I allowed myself to.

That is not appropriate.

I feel love. Pure and simple. Love and gratitude.

My heart aches for Wayne, my heart aches for Ed, but my heart still has the capacity to feel love for both of them.

Above all, I feel love so deep for my two sons, Keith and Craig.

To Keith and Craig - I love you more than anything in this life and I thank you for being the sons that you are.