And So This Is Christmas

December 25, 2020.

It is here. Doesn't mean much. But, hell, it's a day off. With good food, good booze. Carol and Maka. Nothing to do. Gonna watch movies.

Here is where I am at.

Sad.

I am just sad. Sadness covers me like a blanket.

You might have noticed that some of this is connected with Christmas. Have I explained that thoroughly enough?

It goes further than that.

January 1, 2021. I go through this every year and never have anything substantially positive to show for it.

Still I persist.

Been doing a lot of soul searching this year. Taking a hard, honest look at myself. I will probably write about it, but if I do it will have to be brutally honest. No performance art.

I sometimes show off when I get in here because I am proud of my writing abilities. I perform.

I don't like myself physically. Never thought I would look like this. I don't like what is in my mind. Don't like the poison that holds me back. 

I am a center stage performer who has spent his life as a supporting actor.

I don't have confidence that I will be strong enough to bring about the change that is necessary in 2021.

I have been weak lately. Unable to sustain a regular exercise schedule. Unable to eat intelligently. Unable to deal with the demeaning fucking job I am chained to. Sleeping like shit. I have been on a consistent downward slide for months now.

Disquieting.

Urgency hovers. This cannot go on.

Anyway I hope everyone who is capable of it has a Happy Christmas. Enjoy the day. No matter what the fucking world throws at us as human beings we have to find temporary oases of happiness.

Or you lose your fucking mind.