Venomous Hatred

Back to work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I was suicidal. Off the rails. Maniacal. I was actually surprised at how fucking insanely angry I was.  Out of control, baby.

I did not expect to feel blissful after so much time off but I also did not expect the virulent anger that rendered me almost non functional.

Time for a change, baby.

You are probably not aware of this but I hate my life. Hate my job. Hate that I need a job. Hate that I am 66 and my life is still dictated by others.

Personally I did not handle those 2 and 1/2 days well at all. I descended into real degeneracy. Pain killing at its finest and most creative. 

But I flashed that smile, baby. Acted the part. I'm a team guy and a real go getter.

Something's gotta give. I have reached the outer limits of hypocrisy.  Pretending to be what I am not.

I am at the edge, on the edge, peering over the edge. I couldn't decide which phrase I liked better.

Play-acting. I am polished at doing that. Been doing it all my life. I have shelves of Oscar's from the "You hate your life but lie about it" crowd. This is a group of reprobates who meet secretly every year and compare the level of misery they are experiencing in their lives. And applaud heroic efforts to disguise the suffering.

A talented bunch all. But I have emerged as the Katharine Hepburn of the group. I have earned the most awards. Something I am quite proud of. 

This anger was something different this time. All consuming. My tortured brain screaming Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You cannot do this anymore. Stop it! What the fuck are you doing? When are you going to learn?

Shit like that.

It's hard to focus on laminating food licenses with a noise like that in your skull.

We are shooting for July 1, 2021 as the Day of Freedom. We are in the process of refinancing the house which, hopefully, will save enough money for us to be able to quit our jobs.

I am not sure this is the right solution. We were talking about selling the house. Getting out from under. Now refinancing is the dream. I am tired. Just along for the ride. Let's take a shot at something and see what happens.

Hell if things go bad maybe we'll try selling rancid food to food challenged families at $250/box. You gotta have goals.

July is seven months away. I don't know that I can hang on that long. My hope is that I will come across a sack of money on the side of the road on my way to work. $250,000 would be enough.

It could happen. This is America and that is the American Dream right there. Quick aside - perfect George Carlin one-liner. "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

Next week is coming. Next week includes a Wednesday and a Thursday and a Friday.

God help me.