Cruel Holiday

I was exhausted when I got home from work today. These early days kill me. Yesterday and today. 

Gettting by on about 4 hours sleep each day.

Fortunately the torture got cut short - the city shut down at 1:00; my boss booted me out of there at 11:00.

Came home, wrote some drivel in here and took a fucking nap. The nap ended up being almost three hours. I just woke up, for Christ sake.

And I find myself drowning in emotion. Carol is listening to Ray Lamontagne on Alexa. Love the man. His music is amazing and powerful and emotional.

When I woke up Carol said "It doesn't feel like Christmas Eve." That destroyed me. Because it is true.

My emotions are an ocean and I am drowning in them. This fucking holiday is taking everything shitty about this year and amplifying it to unbearable levels.

Tomorrow we should be laughing and talking and eating and drinking with Keith and Krista and Craig and Amanda and Eddie and Carolina at Eddies place in Hudson, NH. 

Not going to happen.

Everybody will be doing their own things in their own places in their own ways.

That is not the way it is supposed to be. It is fucking unnatural.

Fucking Christmas songs and Christmas cards and Merry Christmas and Christmas movies are everyfuckingwhere, taunting us, smothering us with grotesque visions of hope and happiness and joy. 

Fucking joy.

We will be alone tomorrow. Me and Carol and Maka - alone together on Christmas day. Fuck that. Thank god for the together part. 

Jesus, man - this holiday is cruel this year.

I am hurting.