Christmas. 2020.

I am experiencing Christmas through a distorted lens this year.

For some strange reason I need it. Not to be happy, or to lift my spirits, or because I expect Santa to deliver $1 million dollars on Christmas morn (although we deserve it). I need it in a pensive, reflective, sullen way.

Got two Christmas music stations dialed up on Sirius in my car. Listening to them religiously. 

We put our Christmas tree up on Thursday. A grueling experience. It is about 3 feet tall and sits on a table by the TV. Takes about 20 minutes to set up and decorate. You should see the tiny ornaments.

Perfect for where we are in life. Our life is smaller so Christmas is smaller.

I love staring at and reflecting on the tree when it is lit at night. Even more so if I am lit. It soothes me.

A Very Murray Christmas. Bill Murray made this 1 hour Christmas special in 2015. It is still available on Netflix. I have watched it 3 times this week. There will be more viewings.

Quirky little thing but I love it. I love it because it reflects Christmas in the way I see it. Melancholy. I don't think it is a happy holiday for a lot of people.

It used to be fun when the kids were little. We made it fun whether we had money or not. But they grew up and selfishly decided they had to live their own lives. They actually moved out. Unbelievable.

What are you gonna do?

The film has quirky characters, Murray's understated sense of humor and great music.

"Fairy Tale of New York" is one of my favorites. It opens with: "It was Christmas Eve, babe, in the drunk tank, an old man said to me, won't see another one". Slams you right in the face from the get go. Then it goes on to describe false hope in sad cliches.

Thanksgiving was a torturous series of negotiations and false hope ending in mostly disappointment.

Christmas is worse. Dead silence. We are not even talking about it. It is a done deal. Ain't gonna fucking happen. So strange.

So I am wallowing in Christmas like a lost soul. No real connection to this Christmas thing, still I have to do it. But the emotions I am experiencing are off tune.

I don't even know what I expect to get out of this exercise. I dial up a Christmas music station and wonder to myself "Why the hell am I doing this?" But I keep doing it.

I guess it is reflective of the times. Life is so unrecognizable in 2020. Christ, what is New Year's Eve going to be like? What the hell are we going to celebrate? More of the same?

This is my Christmas this year. I can't even say I am making the best of it because I am not. I am just riding the tide of whatever emotion comes to the surface from a song or a movie or a tiny Christmas tree.

How very bizarre.