Goddamn Late Bloomer

Weighed myself today. Lost 3 pounds since last week.

I promise I will not bore you with a blow by blow accounting of weight gain/weight loss during the entirety of the Prostate Cancer Saga. But this is significant.

I have lost 5 pounds since this saga began in spite of dealing with hormone therapy. I believe I'm on to something, kids.

The reason I bring it up is that I am proud of it and I am working hard at it. One thing I am learning as I strive to improve myself as a human being is that you gotta be gentle with yourself, and recognize your accomplishments.

I made a commitment when I was diagnosed with "high risk" prostate cancer that I was gonna fight it from every angle available to me - physical, psychological, inspirational - I was going to use every tool I could think of to keep my spirits and my health up. Things that made sense to me, things that resonate with who I am deep down inside.

And it is working.

The things I am doing to wrestle control of my mind back from the evil demons who have poisoned it for decades - these things are bringing me enormous peace. I know I am on the right track there.

Obviously the things I am doing for my health are spot on.

I am beginning to think that my life up to this point has been pointing me towards this finality. I am beginning to believe that when I get past this cancer I will be the strongest, most confident Joe Testa I have ever been.

My mother used to say two things that have stuck in my mind (besides "Oh........Joseph" - disappointingly) - "you are your own worst enemy." "You are a late bloomer."

The worst enemy thing was exactly right - I have known that about myself forever. But the late bloomer thing always pissed me off.

Maybe she was right about that too. Maybe it has taken me 67 years to get to a place where things begin to click - where my life begins to make sense - where my true essence rises to the surface and shines, baby - where I snag peace of mind in my greedy little fingers.

All I know is that in the face of prostate cancer I feel better than I ever have before. Except for when Keith and Craig lived in this house. That was the pinnacle of natural born happiness for me. But I cannot rely on my sons to make me happy. I need to rely on myself.

That feels like where I am at or getting very close to being.

It feels good.

I like feeling good.