Not Even Snow...............

Not even snow can ruin my Saturday morning glow.

Rolled out of bed yesterday morning to my Eventual Destination of Peace.

The usual - Carol sleeping, me in the recliner, cup of coffee, book, Maka. It was snowing. I looked out at the snow passively. I was at peace.

My life has settled into two warring factions for now - The Job and My Life.

I just can't handle the job. It pisses me off. I try to silently chant either of two mantras that I rely on for calm when I get angry or stressed, but these words in my head -  "Kill that son of a bitch" -  override the good intent of the mantra.

But when Saturday morning rolls around the sense of peace is enormous. And the contrast between Job Anger and Life Peace has been amplified by all the good work I am doing for my brain.

This is called progress.

Used to be, time off was not really therapeutic for me. I would stew in unhappiness and marinate in whiskey. Torture myself needlessly until it was time to go back to work for a more focused version of torture.

I had a blog entry simmering in my brain about how vacations and meditation do not "take." You know, you go off on vacation for a week, sit in the sun, sip on delectable cocktails, feast on fabulous meals and generally be a human being. But that first day back at work is instantaneous Hell.

With meditation I have found it amusing that I can take myself to a peaceful place and feel so good, but then go downstairs, open the fridge and find that Carol has placed the half and half in front of my yogurt and be immediately pissed. I assumed that meditation doesn't take.

But the more I meditate the more I find myself, in random moments, smiling in oases of peace, contentment and even.............................................HAPPINESS.

Meditation does take.

This explains how I can feel happy even when it is snowing.

Of course the fact that I am out of work for 4 and 1/2 days is a contributing factor but I know deep down that it is more than that. This is because happiness and contentment are alien emotions to me. When I randomly experience them my brain perks up and asks "What the hell is going on here?"

This has been happening more and more.

The signs are there. My battered brain is on the mend and I am helping it along.

There is hope for me yet.