Old Friends

Story Number 1:

Got a text from my friend Phil Friday night. 

We stay in pretty constant contact. Sometimes texting 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes not for weeks, but fairly regularly, 

He lives in Massachusetts from May to December, Florida from late December to mid-May. So May to December is the sweet spot - that is when we can actually see each other. We don't get together as often as we'd like to but at least we do get together. I have a feeling we are going to do a lot more this year - Covid and cancer are great motivators.

In fact......................plans are afoot for us to visit Nasville in the fall. Just the boys. Pretty psyched about that. 

I enjoy the night texts the best.

Phil enjoys his wine and, as the night ages, he switches to premium bourbon. He typically texts me around 10 or 11. I am usually sipping on premium whiskey by then. We tend to be more open emotionally with each other, and more insane under those conditions.

His text read: "How's my buddy doing? Miss you, bro. Hope you're well." Those words went straight to my heart. His deep concern for me has forced me to understand that I underestimated the power of our friendship. Which is saying a lot because I have deep appreciation for our friendship.

Story Number 2:

Had a long phone conversation yesterday with another old friend of mine - Steve W. I have known Steve for something like 10 or 12 years. I am not exactly sure of the time frame, but then again I am not exactly sure what I had for breakfast 30 minutes ago either.

He and I were two fifths of an insane crew that worked together in a NH state liquor store back in the day. The job sucked but we were five insane guys who spent a lot of time laughing. A LOT. And we just didn't give a shit. We were famously irreverent.

We don't talk often. Steve lives in Florida now so I never get to see him.

He reads my blog so he contacted me to see how I am doing with this annoying cancer bullshit. We ended up enjoying a long conversation covering every topic under the sun. Honest conversation, lots of laughter.

I live for that.

At the end of the call we told each other we love each other. I don't think we ever did that before. Again, I could be wrong, who the hell knows.

His words went straight to my heart.

Ridiculous Fact About Me:

Phil's text and Steve's words brought tears to my eyes. Because in my heart I don't feel worthy of their respect and their love. It is a twisted truth of my nature, but I have always felt this way in general. Every time somebody shows me their love I feel unworthy.

Now, my brain is coming around - I am worthy of their respect and love, as they are of mine. I know this intellectually. I know it for a fact. But the inferiority bullshit is so deeply ingrained in my heart that my immediate reaction is a sense of surpirse that someone could care so much about me.

So for now, as long as I listen to my brain and not my heart I will be ok. When my heart catches up with my brain I will be able to handle situations like this as a normal person would.

The real point of all this is that I am so lucky to have friends like this in my life. They are not family - they are not obligated to give a shit about me, but they do.

They make me feel good, they make me feel better.

And I will take a little credit for these friendships, that are rock solid.

Much like George Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life, I am slowly waking up to the fact that my life has actually impacted other peoples' lives. 

I am in their lives, they are in mine.

Period. End of story.