The Inevitability of Death (and Life)

I am reading a book that compares the historical life of Jesus with the biblical version of Jesus.

Fascinating stuff.

I have noticed that whenever I read anything relating to religion I feel a yearning deep inside.

Apparently this is because I don't want to die.

I want there to be an afterlife; I want Jesus to be real; I want to know that I will exist beyond my death. I don't believe in this stuff but I want it to be real.

I cannot grasp the truth that one day I will just not be here. That is such an empty feeling.

I don't necessarily feel like I am afraid of death (I could be lying) but my mind reels every time I think about not existing anymore.

It's funny because I have obsessed about death for decades; you would think I'd have a handle on it.

In my thirties I began to think I was destined to die young. At that point it felt like my fate was sealed - I was a fucking accountant (ludicrous), a homeowner, a bill payer - I had morphed into all the things I never believed in - all the things I detested.

I didn't take great care of myself, I was stressed, angry and disgusted all the time - supremely unhappy - I figured that had to be the perfect recipe for an untimely departure.

But...............along came 40, 50, 60 - are you fucking kidding me? I am still alive?

All along the way I kept expecting to die. 

Subconciously I think that mindset contributed to my failure to take control of my life - shit, man - I was going to die soon anyway.

There is true irony in the fact that now that I have prostate cancer, a situation that has the possibility of not ending well, I am feeling pretty confident.

My brother Ed believes that when you die your energy is released into the universe - that is how you continue to exist. 

It is a cool philosophy but does not satisfy my greedy needs. I need afterlife awareness - gotta have it. If there is an afterlife I want to know that I am dead and I want to know that I am still me. To be able to keep an eye on Keith and Craig, maybe slip them a little ethereal help if they need it.

If I can't have that I am not interested.

Reincarnation would be nice, but that would have to include some fine print at the bottom of the contract. If every person who dies is reincarnated as a human, the population of planet earth would be 600 million billion trillion. So if it's real, some people must come back as cockroaches and ants and snakes and butterflies.

I have no interest in becoming a mosquito.

So as I read this book I experience moments when my soul yearns to believe that Jesus and his dad are the real deal, but ultimately I can't accept that, so I come back around to this whole ceasing to exist thing. Up and down, back and forth, hope/no hope.

The book is fascinating though; I am enjoying it.

I am 67 years old. Death is coming for me. No way around it. But I don't think I see it as punishment for living the wrong life anymore  (I could be lying). And I think I am beginning to experience a sort of lightness inside me that takes the edge off of where I am at.

Not sure, though. It is confusing stuff.

Jesus - a little help?