I'm just trying to get some words down on the page, man. It's been a struggle this month. I have missed a lot of days. Don't know why. Do know why. Been a strange month. Off balance, off kilter, arrhythmic. Starting of course with the weather. Winter continues. Of course what can we expect. It's only May 19. We have another month and a half of winter to endure before summer bursts upon us on July 1.
New England is so unfair to heat lovers like myself. Winter completely destroys your spirit. Then things begin to change somewhere around April and you begin to bloom. Just a little. Feel yourself opening up but not all the way. Then you get stuck in that condition waiting for the warmth, the heat, the life. But it doesn't come and it doesn't come and it doesn't come. Meanwhile your anticipation is screaming agony, your bones ache, your nerves twitch and you wait. And watch the days tick by on the calender, knowing full well how short the summer is. You are painfully aware that every cold, rainy day is robbing you of your joy and that winter is already gearing up again, getting ready to slap you around and torture and insult you. Four seasons my ass. New England weather was designed by the devil to give us a taste of hell before we get there.
Toilet problems too. Had toilet problems this month. Had to deal with them but it wasn't smooth. Nothing ever is for a tool allergic like myself. And I even had a friend to help me.
I don't know. Been a weird month. Gotta regroup. I'm trying to get rich and famous and I ain't got no time to waste. Gotta get independent. Tired of being everybody's servant.
Hit the recliner with a cup of coffee and Steven Tyler for half an hour yesterday morning. That was it for personal a.m. time. Then wash the dishes, clean the kitty litter box, exercise, shower, shave and fly out of the house. Drop off a job application in corporate hell for a job I don't even want, then report for duty at the Booze Emporium. Worked like a pig donkey. Humping booze around for four straight hours. Exhausted. Food shopping after work (forgot the damn heavy cream), pick up a pizza and crawl home. Exhausted. No sympathy from the wife. She works an eight hour day every day. She's an adult. She handles it. I drink whiskey.
Anyway I don't think life is supposed to be this way. I don't think you are supposed to run around like a little gerbil every day for the privilege of enjoying eight minutes of peace. I exaggerate of course. I slumped in my recliner for 5 and 1/2 hours last night. Could have done a lot with that time but it slipped away. Wasn't my fault though. Lakota jumped up into my lap before I had a chance to get up and change my life. I couldn't disturb her. She has to fight for lap time because Maka is a lot more aggressive about it. And as anybody with a shred of common sense knows, lap time in my lap is as valuable as solid gold bars.
Anyway, watched The Sox, it was a good game and they won. Got to spend quiet time with my wife, who is a special and a loving woman. I snoozed a little, we talked a little, we watched the game together. Side by side. Kind of. She on the couch, me in the recliner. The recliner, by the way, that she talked me into buying. A fat friend of mine busted my father's recliner just by sitting in it. A recliner I inherited upon my father's death. My friend replaced it with a used job and when that died me and the wife went shopping. I was resigned to buying a cheapy, even though it would hurt my back. I never believe I deserve anything good. But the wife talked me into buying this big, beautiful leather recliner. It is the single most awesome, loving, comforting and meaningful piece of furniture I have ever owned in the entire history of my life.
So it was a good night. A quiet, safe, peaceful loving night. I didn't do anything to break me free of the chains that strangle me every waking minute of the day. But I guess it was a pretty good trade off. Simple stuff. Gotta dig the simple, good stuff, the small moments that make up a life.
So I'm going to try to pick up the pieces for the rest of the week. Do the things that can set me free and make me feel good about myself. Been a weird month but I gotta forge onward. Life will beat you down and distract you at every opportunity. You are not supposed to succeed. You are supposed to suffer.
Me and my liver are tired of suffering. We are going to keep on keeping on, keep on trying to change things until whammo blammo momma I awake to a new day.
No comments:
Post a Comment