Apparently I Have Matured

My brain is like a freight train and it's running off the rails.

You move from job to job, if it ain't no big pay increase it ain't too exciting. Good for a change of scenery, a change of faces. I have had plenty of those.

You get a job that improves your life, now you got something.

I am monitoring my brain waves on this life change, paying more attention than I normally do. I have coasted through a large part of my life accepting the fact that I screwed up and would be made to suffer to the grave. And I always believed the grave was one foot step away.

That prophesy has largely been true, although some of the suffering has to be called self fulfilling. And I have avoided the grave so far.

Amusingly enough I artificially created this situation by searching for happiness and accepting a 50% pay decrease along the way. The new job seems huge by way of comparison, but in reality I am only getting back to what I was earning in 2005, when I began this strange odyssey of hope and failure.

Everything is relative, baby, everything is relative.

If I got a healthy jump in pay years ago I would immediately have begun plotting to buy things. All the things I felt I deserved and had been cheated out of.

Apparently I have matured. This time I am plotting to pay down all our credit card debt. I am plotting to give birth to a fat, bouncing savings account. I am plotting to pamper Carol, to buy her stuff, go out to dinner, go to Red Sox games and have a lot more fun. I am plotting to attend Fishercats games with Keith, Monarchs, maybe Sox and, if the good lord smiles down upon me, PATS games. I am planning on attending NRA meetings with Craig and being his caddy from time to time. "Another beer sir?" I am planning to spend more time with my brother and to buy a really good bottle of wine when I visit. I am plotting to buy a car. Used. With a super powered, nuclear intensity heater. My truck is 16 years old and that is one area where I do believe I deserve a break.

My plans are modest. I have learned that when you are without cash, everything closes in on you, chokes off any chance at living, and makes stress your evil companion.

The pay increase signifies to me a chance to elbow my way to breathing room. To sleep soundly and wake without fear. To make life a little easier and a lot more enjoyable.

Every extra dollar I get will have the face of Carol or Keith or Emily or Craig or Karen or Eddie on it reminding me that they are what this is all about.

I don't need to keep up with the Joneses. They are idiots.

This family is what I need. Along with the ability to enjoy their company fully alert without the crushing anxiety of worrying every minute I am with them about tomorrow.

Apparently I have matured.