Apparently I Do Not Want To Die

Had a disconcerting visit with Dr. Feelgood yesterday.

A tick bit me four months ago. I have not exhibited any signs of  hideous disease but the bite has never healed.

It is just a lump sitting on the back of my ankle that is sometimes itchy, sometimes not. It has been bugging me so I made an appointment to make sure I am not felled from Lyme disease.

First off, they could not figure out what the hell is going on. A physician's assistant took a look at it and went hmmm and ahhhh a few times. She did not think it was the dangerous bite but she could not figure out why it would not just heal itself. So she took off in her Snow White costume to consult with Dr. Feelgood.

Came back ten minutes later and decided the best course of action is for me to soak it every day and slap a band aid with Bacitracin on it every day. If it does not heel they will take a hack at it and see what is going on.

That was the minor inconvenience.

Standard practice when you visit the doc is to check vital signs. When the intern checked my blood pressure she went hmmmmmmmmmm. When I asked what was the scoop she said it was pretty damn high.

This surprised me and it didn't. I have never had an issue with blood pressure. It has been a standard joke between me and Carol. I come back from a check up and tell her that my blood pressure is fine.

Which always amuses me. I am the King of Anxiety. I am never at peace. I abuse my liver mercilessly. I don't get enough consistent exercise. And my blood pressure is fine.

Not this time. It didn't surprise me because I knew down deep that this job has been doing things to me I don't want done. I am a warrior but I knew instinctively that this job was damaging me.

It was high enough that they checked it three times over the half hour that I was there hoping it would come down.

Which is pretty silly when you think about it.

When Snow White came back from her bug bite consultation with Dr. Feelgood she addressed the issue and then dove right back in to the blood pressure thing.

Wanted to talk about blood pressure medication. I put an immediate stop to that. I am on a prescription for cholesterol and one for asthma. I do not want any more. I do not want to end up like my mother with a tray of 56 medications that I have to take every day.

I also do not trust the relationship between the medical community and the drug peddlers. They are too quick to make you dependent.

I talked about the stress of the job, my bad diet, and lack of exercise. I told her I wanted to deal with it by getting back to exercising and by eating better.

I am on a short leash. I have to go back in two weeks, During that interim I have to take my own readings and report those to them. I know they are serious about this because I have a physical scheduled for December 3 and they didn't even want to wait that long to see me.

I was furious when I walked out of that office. Furious that I allowed this job to compromise my health. Furious at myself for throwing whiskey at the problem as a solution.

That's when I realized that apparently I do not want to die.

I reacquainted myself with the exercise bike today. The bike I have not touched since I started this hideous job. Did fifteen minutes, which blew me away. I didn't think I would last five. It was a good start.

I know I can do this. Remember a year or two ago when I dedicated an entire year to losing weight and getting healthy? I drove you crazy with day to day blow by blow accounts of the exercising I was doing, the healthy eating, the reduced intake of alcohol.

I know you hated me for that and I don't blame you.

BUT I did lose the weight. I did reach my goal.

I am proud of that.

Not sure I can improve the numbers in two weeks. I am sure if they try to force the drugs on me I will put up a fight. I need a fair shot at this.

I am pretty sure that even if I cannot shed the job super soon, a change in lifestyle can still make a huge difference.

I am furious, I am focused, I am driven by my mantra of ten good years.

And I will be damned if I let a meaningless job and my own stupidity rob me of that opportunity.