The Lost Year

When I look back at the history of my life, 2013 will become known as The Lost Year.

I had high hopes for this year. They did not pan out.

I just went back and re-read blog entries from 12/29/12 and 01/01/13. I remembered that I made grand pronouncements about what my intentions were for me personally and in this writing. I tried to be honest, I tried to identify lofty goals.

I think maybe I gave it a shot. I think maybe I could have pulled it off. Christ, I sound like a NASCAR driver. Those guys are always telling you they had a good car, could have done better than they did. "We finished 43rd. I hate it for my guys. We could have contended, could have been right up front with the leaders but the breaks just didn't go our way." Every goddamn week. Please.

Anyway, I think maybe I could have pulled it off. Until 2/22/13 happened. That is the day I started the new job.

This job swept me up like a tidal wave and destroyed me. It sucked up all my energy and all my time, it distorted my emotions and thought process and bounced me around like a paper boat in the ocean.

And ultimately, it beat me.

I am now officially on blood pressure medication. Went in to see Dr. Feelgood two weeks ago for a random thing and when they checked my vital signs they freaked. Last summer the BP read 132 over 80 something. That was acceptable. Two weeks ago it read 163 over 90 something.

They gave me two weeks.

Yesterday it read 180 over 90 something. I was told 140 was acceptable.

My blood pressure has jumped almost fifty points in a year and a half. I guaranfuckingtee it didn't start to rise until 2/22/13.

It occurred to me as I walked out of Dr.Feelgood's office, prescription in hand, that I had achieved the American dream.

I traded my health for a fatter paycheck.

So ironic that the job that has allowed us to begin healing financially has also accelerated my approach to the grave.

That is how life works. That is what this country does to its workers.

Anyway I am sitting here on 11/15/13 trying to pull my head out of my ass. I believe in the things I wrote on 12/29/12 and 01/01/13. I have been distracted for coming up on 9 months now. Nine months that I could ill afford to waste.

But I have.

The Lost Year. I mourn this wasted year. I cannot afford to waste any more. Sixty is a tough number. It is reality in your face. You can fool yourself at 50 but 60 sounds harsher. 60 is harsher. I am desperate for an answer.

The world will not offer any help. The world will not offer any hope.

I am on my own.

I guess that makes sense. I am the only one who can take my experiences, take my dream, and fashion a life out of it.

My life.

That's all I really want. I want my life to be my life. Not somebody else's.

It's up to me.

I just don't know how many more body blows I can absorb.