Why Can't I Be Happy

Sometimes thoughts hit me with the concussive effect of a runaway locomotive.

I was reading this morning in peace. I had let Maka out onto the screened in porch but closed the sliders because it is still too goddamn cold for spring.

A while later Lakota ambled her way down the stairs and immediately headed for the sliders. I wrestled my sixty year old ass out of the recliner, opened the sliders and walked out onto the porch with Lakota. By then the sun had gained intensity and warmth was being born.

I walked to the front of the porch, looked down through the sunshine and saw a brand new 2014 VW Bug parked next to an immaculate 2004 Lincoln Continental Town car. The sun was brilliant, I was warm, birds were singing cheerfully, Carol's garden was working it's magic (especially the oh so soothing fountain), both cats were peaceful and content on the porch and my amazing wife was still snuggled down in bed. We have a three day weekend together, featuring a family wedding, a concert and a day with which we can do whatever the hell we want.

And I wondered "Why can't I be happy?" It hit me, smashed me in the face, rattled around loudly in my brain.

What exactly will it take in the short time I have left to make me smile from the inside out.

My job rips me apart and leaves only shreds for my family to deal with.

Just like everybody else's job does to them.

We have enough money to be comfortable, not enough to really live.

This is more than a hell of a lot of people have.

We are healthy. We have sons who are magic and have intensified that magic with the women they have brought into our lives. Our extended family is loving and comfortable.

And I am rarely happy.

The torture originates from the knowledge that our lives could be spectacular if I could achieve my potential. I have it in me to elevate our lives to a higher plain of freedom. But I can't complain about not getting there because I am not trying hard enough to make it happen.

As I mourn my laziness I am missing happiness.

However.......................The Drive To Fun I have initiated in 2014 may be slapping my thought process around to appreciation.

I am at least acutely aware of the fun I am having. Already - a trip to Fenway, a magnificent barbecue at the home of Carol's iconic brother and his awesome wife on Memorial Day Weekend, dinner at Carrabba's with Jason and Karen on Memorial Day Weekend, a wedding we have been looking forward to this weekend, a concert we have REALLY been looking forward to this weekend, and a free day.

It is only May 30.

I am working hard to make things happen with my sons and their women and I will not give up until I drag them kicking and screaming into this Summer of Fun. Barbecues, family celebrations, Fishercats, PawSox.

I realize I will not accomplish all I have planned because my plans truly are grand. But I will accomplish some of it, and those moments will be magic and memories.

My life is not all that bad. It could be better, but everybody's life could be better.

I am not throwing in the towel on dreaming. I am not succumbing to mindless, rationalized gratitude.

I am, however, I think, maybe, developing a new perspective on this life Carol and I have put together so far.

More than that, sinister and selfish, I am hoping to create happiness momentum. I do not want to have fun only in 2014. I want to lay a blueprint for happiness that will carry this family through to a new relationship.

As I said, grand plans.

But well worth the effort.