Valentine's Day Gets Explicit

Cracking up commuting to Hell and escaping back home listening to Valentine's Day commercials for Pajamagram sneak a peek gifts, and Vermont Teddy bear Fifty Shades of grey stuff.

Especially hearing it on 98.5, The Sports Hub. When those guys read the ads it is hilarious.

These companies are getting serious. V-Day used to be all about candy and flowers spiced with a hint of bedroom gymnastics.

Now they just put it all out there, giving your imagination no exercise at all.

Pajamagram has a "Hidden secrets sneak a peak" romper. The ad copy says "this playful romper with its snap dropseat has been known to cause frisky games of hide and seek and sneak a peek.....................................it has a snap-up front and four-snap dropseat so playing a flirty game of peek-a-boo is, well, a snap."

THEN it says "Also ideal as a warming layer for underneath outerwear or street clothes."

Apparently that last sentence provides an escape route for some poor slob with high expectations who's wife or girlfriend, shocked at the gift, informs her man that the best place to buy sexy clothes is L.L. Bean.

Seek out the radio ad if you have the time, energy and commitment. It is hilarious with much more detail and innuendo.

My favorite is the Vermont Teddy Bear Fifty Shades of Grey Bear with red velvet gift packaging.

The ad copy says "Dominate Valentine's Day this year. Give the one you want something that will obsess and possess them. With all of the trappings of a memorable gift - daring, passion, exciting next-to-skin touch, she'll be desperate to get close...................He even comes with a mask and handcuffs. (Here the radio ad says "and if you think she's not into handcuffs - think again"). She can't help but submit to loving him (and the radio ad says "and loving you.")

I got to admit - that "exciting next-to-skin" touch thing sounds kind of freaky to me. Sounds like the Bear has more chance of getting lucky than the gift giver.

But, what the hell - boredom is insidious and you have to fight it with every weapon at your disposal.

The problem with Carol and I would be keeping the cats away from the itty bitty handcuffs. We could never forgive ourselves if we came home to Maka or Lakota lying on their side on the floor cuffed  like some heavy duty cat criminal on Law and Order.

I'm wondering if a couple of years down the road Valentine's Day ads will consist of clips from "Deep Throat", complete with instruction manuals.

I don't even want to think what that Teddy Bear would be all about.