Wednesday, October 14, 2015

It Can Be Frustrating

They put this stuff in place to protect you and I can dig that but sometimes when you function ineptly it comes back to bite you.

The newest exciting saga in my life is considering the possibility of retirement at the age of 62.

I never gave it a thought. Figured I would die on my feet in a NH state liquor store at the age of 94. Figured my co-workers would roll my corpse out the door, kick it to the side so as not to impede access for the all important customers and, overnight, my flesh would be ravaged by wild dogs.

My lovely bride put the notion in my head that we might be able to survive on SS payments and part time work once I mark 62 years of age. Which is about 6 weeks away.

Now I am obsessed with the idea.

So I went online to the social security administration website to set up a personal account that would answer all my questions and promote dreamy sleep at night on my new tempurpedic pillow.

Brief aside: We recently bought a tempurpedic mattress and Carol bought a..................wait for it...............$100 plus tempurpedic pillow.The pillow didn't work for her so I tried it with minimal expectation of success.

My old pillow was flatter than a pancake and I liked it that way. However, magically, this expensive pillow works for me. My newest favorite past time is sliding off the bed and watching the mattress rise to its natural level minus the weight of my fat ass. I also enjoy watching the pillow bounce back when I raise my fat Testa head.

And I'm not even smoking pot right now.

The SS website asks security questions to make sure you are who you say you are. Financially related. Mortgage, bank holding credit cards etc. I took a wack at it two nights ago.

I didn't take it too seriously the first time. I don't have the answers to these questions. Carol is the financial guru. I am the litter box engineer.

I bluffed. And got rebuffed.

"We are unable to match this information to your SS #."

So last night I went in and just printed out the page with the questions on it so Carol could provide the answers. I didn't even try to answer the questions. Just printed out the page and exited the website.

Tonight I went back in armed with the proper info. Except the website slapped my face red. When I entered my name and SS # I was told "We have tried to match personal information to your SS # on multiple occasions and have been unable to do so. Your access is denied. Please contact us."

Now I have to talk to a human being. Can you imagine the horror?

Meanwhile time is wasting. I am aging rapidly. Getting weaker. Less focused.

It is entirely possible that by the time I speak to an SS representative I will be entirely unable to vocalize exactly what I want or even identify who I am.

All I want, people, is some peace.

All I want is to find out that I can actually afford to retire without being forced to eat cat food.

I love Maka and I love Lakota, but not enough to get down on all fours to nudge them out of the way for a shot at their food bowls.

I yearn to learn that I will be given a chance to actually do something meaningful with my life, with time on my hands.
None of this is a big deal. Don't have to report to HELL until 1:00 on Friday. Got time to wrestle with the social security administration in the morning.

By the way, I did learn that you have to get the retirement ball rolling with SSA three months before you expect to begin receiving payments.

I had dreams of walking away from it all on my birthday. January 1, 2016.

Ain't gonna happen.

Still, the retirement thing may not be only a pipe dream.

I remain cautiously optimistic.

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