2020

We did not celebrate my 66th birthday.

Lakota died on January 31.

Carol went into surgery on February 5th. 8 a.m.  Came out at midnight. Fucking midnight.

We got to the hospital that morning at 5 a.m. So fucking early they wouldn't let us check in. Did that at 5:30. I sat in two different waiting rooms during the day. Started with a trickle of people, then a flood, then by around 6 or 7 at night I was alone. Alone. Even the administrative people went home.

As it got later and later, at one point, because of stress and fatigue, I began to think that Carol might die. I experienced that thought intellectually and emotionally. Especially emotionally. I felt so empty, so alone, so lost, thinking about life without Carol. I was devastated. And how would I tell my sons?

She went back into surgery on February 6. Five more hours.

Finally got her home on February 10. Her speech has improved but her face is still swollen and lopsided. Still. This is what this surgery was supposed to do. Get her back to normal. Hasn't happened. Breaks my heart every single day.

We did not celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary. We did not celebrate Valentine's Day.

Now we have the coronavirus. We may not see our sons and their women face to face for 6 months or longer.  Keith's 40th birthday is coming up on May 3. We won't be able to celebrate that. We have not even met Keith's woman, Krista. Plans were to do that after Carol bounced back from surgery. Not gonna happen for a while now. I feel like I have a member of my family that I have not even met.

Can you guess how I feel about 2020?

In the midst of all this, during this surreal break from reality, I am trying to find a new approach to life. One that will allow me to find happiness.

I have been exploring philosophies. Approaches to life. I found one yesterday that I am excited about.

I cannot handle the pie in the sky cliched bullshit that usually passes for self help. This is not like that. It offers advice about how to approach life in a way that will change the way you think. It does not sound phony to me; it seems practical.

My mind is my worst enemy. I don't think healthy thoughts. My self-image is destructive, not constructive. I am going to explore this thoroughly in the next few days to see if it fits. If it does, then thank fucking christ. If not, I will move on.

So what have I learned from 2020?

Man, you cannot take anything for granted. It can all be taken away from you in a heartbeat and the evil can come in a million different disguises.

When this is over my family is going to celebrate. One big celebration to celebrate all the things that did not get celebrated in 2020. To celebrate the magic that is this family.

A massive barbecue, maybe go out together to a great restaurant. I don't care what form it takes but it has to be special. I don't have to orchestrate the fun and the love because that is what my family is. When we finally get together it will happen naturally.

Maybe when we get together they will all think "Hey, Dad seems different. He seems happy. He seems confident and comfortable in his own skin."

That would be nice. But if I am not there yet I hope I am still continuing to explore. Still hungering for change. Still trying.

2020 has sucked royally. Worst year of our lives. I was born in 1954. That's a lot of fucking years. And we have had some tough ones too. Real downers.

1998 when our business went down the tubes and we almost lost everything. 2014 when Jonathan died. When Sarge died. 2015 when Kevin died.

There have been many deaths in my family and Carol's family.

We have had a lot of great years too. 1978, 1980, 1983 come to mind immediately. Many others.

We will celebrate again.

And it will mean more than it ever has before.