Pay Attention

Been distracted this week.

Monday I had to file paperwork with the City of Concord. They gave me the option of getting laid off or being furloughed. Furlough means I am still on the active payroll, not getting paid, but available to be called back to work.

I chose furlough. At least I have a chance of getting the job back. Who knows what the job market will look like once we "get through this"? I might not have any options at all. Better to at least have a chance of a job in my back pocket.

Tuesday I contacted Hyundai to arrange six months of deferred payments. Gotta do it through corporate, not the dealer. That has been a pain in the ass. They have been unresponsive. They assigned me a case # but no information about what documentation they need from me. Yesterday I raised holy hell with the dealer just to stir things up. They explained that corporate is swamped; I gotta keep trying. I explained that I will do that for a while but if I get no response I'll be back in touch with the dealer to raise holy hell again.

Yesterday I filed for unemployment. That went easier than expected. I emailed the manager of the Concord office with multiple questions and she got back to me immediately. Blows my mind. She must be getting 134,000 emails/day.

Today I got the unemployment benefit amount. $178.00/week. A little disappointed with that. Expected more. I was bringing home over $400/week between the two jobs. Maybe it's fair. I don't know. She mentioned that "if I am deemed eligible" they are distributing an additional $600/week of federal money.

So there's hope. Maybe a prorated amount based on my part time status.

Did not think the world could get any weirder. This week it did.

I want to dig deep today. Get honest. When I am in here sometimes I'm just an entertainer putting on a show. Feel like I am skimming the surface. Feels that way to me ever since Carol got sick in 2017. I feel like something is missing in the writing. Feels darker. More hopeless. A lot of what I wrote before then had humor, an interesting perspective, some intelligence.

I am going to try to get raw today.

I have no clue where my life is at right now. Like millions of others. Feeling a bit shaky about this thing we confidently call "the future".

I am 66. This could be the way my life ends. We will not come out of this easily. Masks, social distancing, fear - not going away for a while. The economy is not going to bounce back for a long while. What if unemployment benefits run out before jobs bounce back? You think people will be looking to hire 66 year olds? The weak and vulnerable?

Will I spend the rest of my life scrapping and scraping just to survive?

I am doing great things for my body and my mind. Really throwing myself into it, banging away every day. Now I will have even more time and I plan on filling it up.

But what is the endgame for me?

I am thinking lately that I don't want to go out like a pussy. I need to get strong.

I worry a lot. Worry is weak. Worry comes from fear. I have been weak all my life. Emotional. Irrational. Self-destructive.

The thing I really need is to go out strong. I don't want to be afraid of anything. I don't want worry. Which is a bold statement to make when there is so much to worry about right now.

But really what is the point of worrying now? I have survived a lot of heavy shit in my life. Worry did not make any of it easier. If this really is the endgame for me, wouldn't it be better for me to go out with my head held high? Nothing I can do about how I have lived my life up to this point. But I can wipe out all the negatives if I grab this situation by the balls and just fucking deal with it. Make the most of it. Instead of crying and burying my head in the sand.

People will remember that.

That is my plan. I am not just saying that, for a change. I have laid some heavy ground work in the past month. I fucking turned this cruise ship around and headed off in a new direction. I feel excellent about what I have done and continue to do. It suits me. My brain is waking up and realizing that I am a pretty smart guy. I can accomplish a lot.

Please notice that I am not saying "I hope" this or  "If things work out". I am telling you that I will be a different man when this shit is over. I am laying it all on the line.

I am going to toughen up. And I am going to get happy. Two immediate goals taking precedence over everything else I plan on doing (and I plan on accomplishing a lot).

I can make myself happy. I am happier just from exercising my body and my brain. I feel it. The sky's the limit, baby. I am learning how to be happy. It's all in the mind. I am alert to what I am feeling and thinking, and I am questioning what I am feeling and thinking.

Every time a negative thought attacks my brain, every time I feel anxious or afraid I stop - and think to myself "where is that coming from?" Then I make it go away and feel instantaneously better.

Fucking amazing.

That was all honesty. Everything I just said is exactly what I am thinking.

I am not going out like a pussy.