This Is So Fucking Hard

Everything I am doing is good.

Good for my body, good for my mind. I am diligent about it all. I am not sitting around watching movies and eating Hostess cupcakes.

I feel good about myself. When is the last time you heard me say that? Possibly never.

I am keeping myself active and distracted. Challenged. I can forget about coronavirus for big chunks of time.

But it keeps coming back.

When I leave the house I gotta have the mask. The paranoia ramps up.

 The strangeness of the world when you walk into a store or talk to other people or pick up take out food - everything is weird and upside down and a constant reminder that we are in a strange new world that we know nothing about.

We don't know when it is going to end. We don't know how it is going to end. We don't know what our lives will be like on the other side. We are financially unsure.

Can't watch sports or attend concerts or go out to eat.

This shit is like a heavy blanket that you cannot get out from under.

Turn on the fucking TV and get assaulted with horrible news and mind blowing statistics.

Thank god I developed the disciplines that I did when I did. Right up front. At the very beginning.

As soon as I was sent home I jumped all over this shit. Gonna get healthy. Gonna get smart. Gonna get knowledgeable. Gonna redirect my brain.

I think a lot of this was a reaction to who I know I am. Or who I can be, at my worst.

Whiskey swilling and depressed.

I feel so good about what I am doing. I feel so good about myself.

But I cannot get out from under this blanket.

These are hard times. Depressing times. Good habits are vital. Finding small ways to be positive can help you survive.

Succumbing to despair is deadly.

I am dizzy with how hard the struggle is, given the nature of our lives right now.

No one ever asked for this.