The Unexpected

Met with Dr. Feelgood today. Made me a little dizzy. But I got the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The medical community needs to learn to communicate better. I have dealt with a urologist and a radiologist. Today I met with the urologist's assistant.  She turned out to be far and away the best of the bunch. I am not surprised that a woman made the men look so incompetent. She was actually stunned at the information the two men never gave me.

I thought I was getting my first hormone shot today. Nope. First I get a week's worth of hormone pills. Next week I go in for a shot.

They monitor testosterone levels and PSA for a while. Testosterone feeds prostate cancer. Hormone therapy drastically lowers testosterone production and essentially stops the cancer's growth in its tracks. 

When things are progressing well I move on to radiation.

I learned today that they consider my level of cancer a high risk cancer. This is the first time I heard those words. High risk but they are confident this treatment will beat it.

The other thing I learned today is that this process will take 2 years. TWO YEARS. Again, first time I was told this. I thought it would last 4 months. It is a hard thing to go from an expectation of 4 months to an expectation of 2 years.

The urologist and radiologist are both in for a beating.

Hormone therapy for a month or two, radiation for 9 weeks, then hormone therapy for up to two years. The hormone therapy works like chemo to make sure the cancer doesn't come back.

Today knocked me for a loop. High Risk. Two Years.

I came home, made myself a sandwich, poured some whiskey, and watched Batman Returns. Michael Keaton, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito. Deliciously dark movie. Fucking insane. I lost myself in that movie which was exactly what I wanted to do.

I love Christopher Walken. Haven't given him enough love lately. LOVE Christopher Walken.

Unfortunately Carol walked in with 10 minutes left in the movie simultaneously as the phone was ringing about our mortgage refinance. I blew up. I could NOT handle the intrusion of reality into the cocoon of safety I built for myself. I don't apologize for that. I was robbed of the chance to swallow my medicine in peace.

I drove in to the hospital alone this morning. Not an ideal thing in this situation but there was really no reason for Carol to be there.

I listened to U2. Heard Walk On. Lost my mind. Some lyrics:

"And if the darkness is to keep us apart, and if the daylight feels like it's a long way off, and if your glass heart should crack, and for a second you turn back, oh no, be strong.

Walk on, walk on, what you got they can't steal it, no, they can't even feel it, walk on, walk on, stay safe tonight."

Bono read one of his fan letters. Turns out he calls them Fan Letters, not Love Letters. Sorry to mislead you. Fan letters because, as he says, "I am a performer and I am still a fan."

He pays homage to people who inspired him years ago as well as people who inspire him today. Today's Fan Letter was to Billie Eilish. I like what I have heard from her. She whisper-sings. Unfortunately, because of that style I only get 20% of her lyrics. Still..............

Anyway Bono's tribute was typically creative and heartfelt.

On my way home they played a live cut from A New Year's Eve show in Dublin. 12/31/1989. You hear U2 counting down the last 15 seconds and then it is 1990. Church bells are ringing. U2 sing Auld Lang Syne, then segue into Where The Streets Have No Name. So beautiful. Somehow I believe New Year's Eve in Dublin is a lot more spiritual than New Year's Eve in NYC.

This ripped all the emotion right out of my soul. Probably because it sounded like such a celebration. It was such a contrast to the New Year we just rang in. A New Year that promises more Covid and delivered prostate cancer.

John O'Donahue's book was delivered today. How's that for timing? It is not what I expected. It is more. It is a collection of poetry, essays, spirituality and philosophy. I will hug this book to my body like a shield of armor.

And let his words seep into my heart.

I am down today. Today did not go at all as I expected. Today kicked me in the balls and damaged my spirit. I have to stagger through tonight and get to tomorrow.

Unfortunately I have to work tomorrow. With superficial, judgemental, back stabbing individuals. This is NOT going to go well.

I am on a roller coaster. Much more so than I expected. Sarge fought like a tiger, Carol is still fighting like a tiger after over 3 years.

I am going to give it everything I got.

But I am pretty shaky today.