Weapons Against The Unknown

Point 1:

On my birthday - January 1, 2021 - Craig lent me "Greenlights". A book written by Matthew McConaughey.

In this book MM (I am not going to spell his name every time) examines his life. I finished the book this morning and it turned out to be the perfect book for a difficult time in my life.

Before you laugh you have two choices - take my word as gospel or buy the book. Period.

The man is a thinker. He constantly evaluates his life and if he is not happy or fulfilled he steps back. He has done it over and over again and course corrected every time. He has built up a storehouse of approaches/thoughts/inspirational quotes/advice and wisdom. The book is based on a diary he kept for 35 years. He took some time to go back and reread it and analyze it relative to different periods and ages in his life. 

The biggest thing I took away from the book is that he attacks life. He is an active participant in it. When he makes a decision to change things he throws himself into it body and soul. He takes hits and makes mistakes but he learns from them. And then he moves left or right or up or down.

Time and time again when I read about something he did or read one of his philosophies or read some of the thoughts he has recorded I would put the book down and exhale in amazement. At the way his mind works and at the potential for me to apply his approach to my current situation.

Point 2:

I have been listening to a lot of U2 lately. Theirs is the perfect music for a difficult time in my life.

I feel a lot of their music is like gospel music translated into rock 'n roll. Inspirational, emotional, uplifting, truthful and personal. I lose myself in the words. And the music is magic.

The music is hitting me much differently than it has in the past. And there is an obvious reason for that.

These are thoughtful, introspective guys. Especially Bono. The man can be annoying but I love his commitment to passionate expression. He is the epitomy of a creative spirit.

On their station on Sirius XM they pay homage to the people who inspired them. Bono reads "Love Letters" to those people. Sometimes I roll my eyes at his over the top verbiage, but invariably he words something in a way that knocks me down. I am a lover of words. So is he.

And U2 gave me John O'Donahue. Irish poet. Whose words I am consuming voraciously. I just bought a book of his poetry which will arrive this week. Cannot wait to get my hands on it.

THE POINT:

The next 4 months will probably be the toughest of my life. The most stressful. The most consequential.

I don't know what to expect. I won't know until I am actually experiencing it. I have been reading up on all this, but besides educating me it scares the hell out of me. Side effects, man. "This shit could happen to you........."

Some of it will, some of it won't. But the possibilities are overwhelming.

I start hormone therapy on Tuesday. There are definite side effects from that. I will have to wait and see and then deal with it. That's a 2 month sentence.

Then radiation. For 9 weeks. Dr. Feelgood downplayed the side effects - I don't believe him. But I hope he's right.

Started exercising for real this weekend. Went food shopping and we went heavily low carb. My plan is to throw myself into this like McConaughey would. I am going to hit the ground running on Tuesday and hope for the best. And when I am driving home from hormone therapy and radiation treatments I will be blasting U2 on my radio.

Don't know where this is going to lead. Could be the beginning of some nasty stuff. Maybe they can't cure the cancer. Maybe I am in for a long stretch of misery.

Could be I come out of this with a smile. Step into a vaccinated world in health and happiness. That would be fucking amazing. Talk about party time! Here's hoping.

Right now I am nervous. Nervous because the only thing in my head is theories and hypotheses and maybes. Tuesday it will begin to be real.

I intend to summon all the strength that I have. Physically and mentally. But that might not be enough.

But I have Matthew McConaughey's words and U2's music in my back pocket. For support. For inspiration.

I know that sounds ridiculous. But it is real to me. Very real.

There is something going on here spiritually and I am going to grab onto it with ferocious intent.