Maka

I had to put Maka down this morning.

She was a very precious, very special cat.

She was 18 years old; she lived with us for 15 years.

The moment is all the more odd because Carol is away on vacation. I am all alone. The silence is deafening.

I had many nicknames for her. Little One. Cutie Pie. Dollface. The one that was always in my head was The Little Conversationalist. She talked. A lot.

I used to have running conversations with her while Carol laughed.

Our very first special moment with Maka was the day we met her at the SPCA. Carol picked her up, I was standing behind Carol - Maka put her head down on Carol's shoulder and closed her eyes. Done deal.

She was an interactive cat, very much a part of our lives. She was smart, she was fun, she was adorable - she gave us so many moments of joy that made our lives softer.

She was diagnosed a month ago with a malignant tumor in her mouth. We thought we were going to lose her that day, so we were given a month's reprieve. Which we used to spoil her even more so than usual.

The tumor ruptured this morning and she was bleeding a lot. Just before I sat down at this laptop I noticed her blood on both my hands, on one of my socks and on my wedding ring. I will clean up soon but it is just a very odd feeling.

I have put down many pets in my life and I never, ever feel qualified to do it. I feel like I don't have the right. But this is the hard truth about loving pets; there is always pain and a tough decision at the end.

But I am not going to dwell on that.

I cannot overemphasize the happiness this tiny little thing, this precious little Maka brought into our lives.

Personally she felt like the pinnacle of pet love. Carol brought pets into my life and I am glad she did. It felt to me over the years that I learned more and my heart accepted more love as I went along.

Lakota and Maka were the two who absolutely owned my heart.

This is not all about me. Maka was Carol's cat. She used to sit next to Carol on the couch, either sleeping or harassing Carol as she crocheted. Carol had many conversations with her as well. Maka had a hard time eating over the last month - Carol started feeding her ice cream. Maka LOVED her ice cream and it was easier for her to eat. It gave Carol so much joy to see Maka chowing that ice cream.

It broke my heart and Carol's heart that she could not be here to say goodbye.

But again, the memories of all the times Maka made Carol smile, all the times she made Carol laugh, all the times she filled Carol's heart with love, all the times she got to hold and hug Maka - this is the preciousness Maka left behind.

I did something goofy today, something I don't normally do. The vet does a thing with paw imprints in some kind of clay. I gave them the go ahead and I am glad I did. They did it before they left and now I have this box with Maka's paw prints in the clay. I have held it a bunch of times already.

I am empty today. Carol is empty today. Maka is gone.

We will never forget how much she meant to us, how much she gave to us. Never.

We love you , Maka.