Four & Three

It's time to shake things up in here.

I am tired of myself, tired of what I say in here. It is important that I see tangible results - concrete evidence of change - in myself and in this blog - by the end of this weekend. I am committed to this course of action. I NEED CHANGE. Or my life will fucking fade away into insignificance.

"Just like that." I have always loved that phrase. People talking about somebody changing overnight - "just like that." Making a definitive, life-changing decision, changing a personality, an outlook, a life - just like that.

I love the phrase but never believed it was possible. Maybe that is why I have not changed in any significant way. I have decided to put my faith in that phrase. And in myself.

You hear it most often from people who quit drinking or quit drugs - they get to a point where they recognize their powerlessness over this evil thing, and they just quit. For most people it takes multiple attempts, but some do it overnight.

Ringo's song comes to mind: "No, no, no, no, I don't drink it no more, I'm tired of waking up on the floor, no thank you please, it only makes me sneeze, and then it makes it hard to find the door."

The No No Song, Ringo Starr.

Some people apply the same philosophy to life - I am tired of myself, it is time to change. Powerful stuff that requires 100% commitment. 

Wealthy and privileged people take time off "to find themselves." I always envied them. But I really don't need that. I need to be alone with my mind and with the right motivation.

I have that this week.

Carol is away this week; she'll be home on Sunday. I took time off from work this week with a specific goal in mind. By the end of this run I will have worked one day out of 10. 

I got home Wednesday night to Patsy, Emmy Lou and..................me. Four nights, Three days - just the three of us. I had five days off for the labor day weekend, Friday through Tuesday - those days brought me a lot of peace. Unfortunately I had to work on Wednesday, which was like swallowing razor blades, but I got through it.

The five days of peace set me up uniquely for the Four & Three - I flushed the bullshit out of my system; now it is time to get serious.

Having Carol around affects me, changes me - because she is another human being. You always have to make allowances, compromises, when you are around another. I have noticed that I am completely relaxed in her absence; the perfect environment for change. That is not a knock on Carol; follow along carefully here. I miss her terribly and cannot wait for her to come home on Sunday. We are a unit - two who became one. But being alone offers a unique opportunity to reflect. With a mind as fucked-up as mine is, quiet reflection is the ultimate salve.

Normally in this situation I would step up my drinking, watch fucked-up violent movies and revel in the abuse and depravity. Not this time around. I am exercising religiously, eating well, consuming alcohol like a mature adult and thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

I have a plan, an approach - and I am following it. 

You don't need the details; you don't believe I can pull this off anyway.