I Need Me Back

Here's what I have learned.

Last week I was alone from Wednesday night through Saturday night.

I found myself completely at ease. Stunningly, staggeringly so. Sunday morning I awoke to anxiety, and it was painful.

Wednesday through Saturday was an out of body experience. I was spending time with a stranger. That stranger was me.

I always find ways to torture myself in every situation. Even situations where a normal person would be completely at ease.

When I am with Carol I feel guilt. Relentless, disturbing, guilt. Subtly. Relentless, disturbing and subtle? Does that make sense? Of course not.

What I mean by subtle is that it is always there. Always. Even when I am not consciously thinking about it, it burns right below the surface. 

Because I underachieved all my life, Carol and I face an uncertain old age. Uncertainty and old age makes for a torturous situation. Not sure where the money is going to come from, not sure how we will survive. All my fault. When I am around her I feel like I should devote every second to finding additional income and never, ever relax or enjoy myself until we are safe. I should. But I don't.

My engine always runs hot. Always. I cannot believe I am still alive. It runs hot when I am out of the house for obvious reasons. But the killer is that it runs hot at home. Are you fucking kidding me? Home is where relaxation is supposed to take place. Home should equal peace.

Can you imagine what it is like to never feel peace? Never? If so, then you are fucked up like me. Maybe we should have a drink sometime.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was alone because I felt so fucking good. I felt so fucking me. And the reason it registered this time is because I took a wholesome approach to this freedom. In the past, I would throw back a couple of drinks and escape into movies. And escape from myself.

Now I am like a person who has experienced heroin for the first time. I want that feeling again. I crave it. I want it at home all the time, and eventually in every waking second of my life.

I have noticed that it changed me a bit. Went to work on Monday and I felt strangely calm, strangely confident. I feel different. And that feeling has persisted. Not enough to change my life, but Real Joe has been awakened and lurks just below the surface.

I am happy that Carol is back. I love her with all my heart and all my soul.

I need me to be back. I need to love me with all my heart and all my soul.