An Old and Feeble Man

 "Hey it's good to be a young man, and to live the way you please, yes a young man is the king of ev'ry kingdom that he sees, but there's an old and feeble man not far behind, oh that surely will catch up to him, somewhere along the line, that surely will catch up to him, somewhere along the line"

From Somewhere Along The Line, by Billy Joel

Oh my fucking god - I was driving around doing errands on Sunday (how much time do we spend "doing errands" and how do we avoid that) when I heard this song for the first time - and it blew me away.

I was invincible for a pretty long time - didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything or any form of convention - took on every stupid health risk I could find. I'd snort anything anyone put in front of me, drank up an ocean of whiskey, drove drunk like it was an Olympic event, and I beat them all. I won. And had a blast doing it. But now..................I'm starting to feel like an...old...and...feeble...man.

Stiff knees, aching back, stiff and aching fingers, stiff and painful neck, shortness of breath, eternal exhaustion. Fuck that. But it's real.

Joel said he's the kind of guy that just can't accept happiness - he's always looking for the other shoe to drop. In this song he talks about eating fancy food and drinking fancy wine in Paris, "oh but in the morning there'll be hell to pay, somewhere along the line."

Talks about enjoying smoking "but now I understand you've been eating up inside me for some time, oh and I know you're gonna get me, somewhere along the line."

Talks about his satisfaction with the woman he loves "oh but you pay for your satisfaction, somewhere along the line."

But it is the young man/old and feeble man thing that rocked me. For obvious reasons. It's hard to be reckless when you're 69. Or maybe it's easier - if I run up a flight of stairs I'm throwing caution to the wind.

I'm wrestling with this getting older thing, trying to make sense of what my life is now, trying to figure out what I can do to make it better within very obvious limitations.

It's called desperation. Beyond a certain age it becomes an old, familiar sensation. An unsettling one.

Billy Joel expressed it perfectly. And hearing it in four lines of a song captures the fleeting aspect of life.

You're a young man with eyes wide open, full of wonder. You blink.............and you are an old and feeble man.

That is one very concrete definition of cruel.