You Will Not Recognize Me

OK, motherfuckers - I got some time today.

Got the day off. Thank fucking Christ. 

I am trying to fill my brain up with the realization that the shit I whine about is petty. Less than petty. Is there a more humiliating word than petty? Frivolous? Narrow-minded? Pathetic? There it is. Pathetic.

The things I whine about are pathetic.

I am trying to rearrange my thinking; get my view of the world right - realistic.

Hence the admission that children with cancer are far worse off than me. I need to think about that every time I complain about how fat or tired or poor I am.

Damar Hamlin. He is another reality I need to compare myself to. The man was living his dream - living his fucking dream - and he almost died. He may never play football again. Yet he remains positive. He is now raising money for first responders and the University of Cinncinnati Medical Center in appreciation. Instead of feeling sorry for himself.

Michael J. Fox. I am currently reading his most recent book - No Time Like The Future - An Optimist Considers Mortality.

I understand he has Parkinson's - I had no understanding how pervasive it's effects are until I started reading this book. This disease makes his life a living hell - every fucking movement has to be planned out, thought about in advance and executed carefully. Or he falls. Just walking around the corner from his apartment is like executing a military maneuver.

He has fallen many times and injured himself many times. Yet he keeps on trying.

And, in 2018, he had a tumor removed from his spine in a delicate and dangerous operation. The tumor was unrelated to Parkinson's. The surgery could have left him paralyzed, but he got through it, although he had to learn to walk all over again. With Parkinson's sabotaging his movements.

And the man remains positive.

Children with cancer fight, Damar Hamlin fights, Michael J. Fox fights. Millions of people fight every day against a million different roadblocks.

My life is not even close to what I thought it would be, but it is pretty fucking comfortable. Carol has triumphed over breast cancer and a brain tumor. I am beating melanoma and prostate cancer. We are alive and kicking. We have Keith and Krista and Craig and Amanda.

My thinking is coming around. I have embarrassed myself with a few bouts of whining already in 2023, but I immediately recognize how pathetic I sound and burn that fact into my brain.

I will overcome my self-pity. I am on the road to becoming the best man I possibly can.

You will not recognize me when I get there.