The Inevitable Scene

The inevitable scene always arrives in Law & Order - the defendant is found guilty and dragged out of the courtroom.

The ones that really get to me are the people who never even considered they could be found guilty. A look of shock on their face as their life changes instantaneously - from whatever it was to a tiny cell, bars,  and a radical change in their sexual habits.

That moment is a metaphor for my life.

I have been pissing it away moment by moment and decade by decade with the threat hanging over my head that I will be found guilty and locked up - with no more options, no opportunity to save myself.

There is always the possibility that I will paint myself into a corner that I cannot get out of. Or that I will have a stroke or a heart attack and fucking survive it, and be forced to live a diminished life where mirrors of missed opportunities are held up to my face relentlessly. Or maybe I will be diagnosed with Stage 4 fucking cancer and given 6 months to live.

I am taking steps to beat the jailor in 2023, and to outrun the horrific diseases that will eventually win out over my fragile and defenseless body, but I'm doing it in a more relaxed manner. 

I am avoiding apocalyptic panic. Except for the job, of course. The job will kill me if I don't escape its horrendous gravitational pull soon. Immediately. Forthwith. Straight away.

You will only hear about the things I am actually doing to save myself. Not what I want to do, not what I hope to do or should do - but what I am actually doing.

I fired up the exercise machine. I worked out 5 times the week of January 1 - yeah, baby - regular exercise to coast me into the new year. Felt fucking good in body and mind. Now it's a habit. Now I remember how beneficial exercise is - more so to the mind than the body.

I am all about feeling good in 2023.

Exercised yesterday before going to work (as opposed to indulging in crushing depression), gonna work out as soon as I finish writing this.

That's all I have to report right now. But I am certainly taking an adult approach, don't you think? Trying not to lie to myself, trying not to lie to you.

Unless you like the lies. Do you want me to lie to you? Do you want to bear witness to my failures? My self-delusion? Do you want to kick me when I'm down? Pour salt into my wounds and boiling water into my eyes?

I get it. I understand the appeal. But let's try something different this year.

Can accomplishment be entertaining?

I have no idea. I have never experienced it before.