Otto

I'm glad my name is not Otto.

Although I would like to evolve like Otto did - before it's too late.

We saw A Man Called Otto a couple of days ago. Carol had to hand me kleenex during the movie because my emotions were out of control. I was holding off blowing my nose, because when I do it sounds like an airhorn going off, which is annoying to movie watching patrons. When the sniffing got out of hand, Carol took charge.

The movie got to me because it resonated with where I am currently living in my head.

I have come back alive in 2023; proof is that my emotions are jerking me around - I no longer feel numb. This is a good sign.

When David Crosby died I was devastated. Because the man lived a life. I am a spectator to my own life. Worse than that, I am a spectator to someone else's life - the life I am leading is not my own.

His death jolted me - I am trying to become more reckless in a beneficial way because of it. A lifetime of numbing down and dumbing down has turned me into a fucking zombie. Which is horrifying because it allows others to control my life. Fuck that.

I will take more risks, I will speak my mind, I will hear more music - LIVE - I will drink schooners of whiskey in clinically-controlled situations, allowing the nutcase in me to spring free. I will have more fun. Before it is too fucking late. Some would say it is already too fucking late and there is a large amount of truth to that but I gotta fucking try. No?

I am also aware that all of my problems are in my head. This is where Otto comes in.

I am a fucking God and nobody knows it. I need ayahuasca. But that ain't gonna happen so I need to shove a stick of dynamite into my right ear and blow my brains out to simulate ayahuasca's effect. Then I gotta move into my head like a pilgrim moving in to a cold-water flat, and refurnish the space with shit that makes sense to me. Shit that resonates with my soul so there is no disconnect between mind and essence.

Otto approached life in a way that made sense to him because he was reacting in specific ways to events that occurred in his life. His approach was not pretty. But other humans and other events intervened to show him that his approach was wrong. His approach was wrong because of his mind - his mind skewed his point of view to set him on the wrong path.

That's me. Can't you see it? That is fucking me.

Your own mind can fuck up your own life. In contradiction of the facts. In negation of other options. Not what happens to you, not what people do to you, but what you do to yourself. Do you know how many peoples' lives suck solely because of what is in their head? Approximately 7,942,645,085.

As I watched that movie I was Otto. That's why the tears flowed.

It is not a good sign when you look in the mirror and cry.

A change is gonna come.

Like a dam bursting.