An Interesting Trajectory

Been searching for redemption since 2006 and fighting hard since 2011. Fighting, scratching, clawing, experiencing, absorbing, adapting, evolving and hoping.
Gave birth to a vibe. Barely perceptible at first and growing ever so slowly.
Truthfully I don't know if I gave birth to it or uncovered it under the slime of self loathing but it started out as a tiny flame and is now a roaring fire.
Been knocked down a few times and lied to a lot.
But I keep coming back. Stronger.
I thought tending bar would be my salvation. It would have been if I was a twenty year old babe with enormous cleavage. It haunts me that maybe I didn't try hard enough. I should have fought to get into a blues bar or an upscale restaurant/bar. Could have made some coin in the right atmosphere.
I didn't. But I learned and got tougher.
Became a part timer in a liquor store with hopes of moving on up. I was not prepared for the level of corruption, the condescension, the lack of respect, the agendas and the absence of fairness from the liquor commission and within the store where I work.
On paper it should have worked out. But in reality it has not.
But I learned and got a lot tougher.
Recently hope and opportunity have opened up in areas that make sense to me, areas that resonate with my soul, with my dreams, with my purpose on this planet.
But even those have been slow moving and up and down and here and gone.
I remain resilient.
The latest blow came in the form of an unnecessary financial disappointment. After one solid year of getting screwed at every turn in my job I had one thing, one reward to savor. That got taken away.
I was intensely angry for one night. I have forgiven and gotten over it.
I learned and got even tougher.
Whiskey used to be my painkiller. It numbed me deliciously (when I could afford the good stuff), removed me from reality, allowed me to indulge in escape and denial.
I sip it now to fuel the fire. Sitting in the dark, slow sipping out of a pseudo crystal glass, taking everything I have learned, coalescing all the pain and unfairness, slowly feeding vengeance so it doesn't get fat and slow.
I am a fighter now. I never used to be. Or if I was I didn't know it.
My goal is to succeed, to become one with myself, to be who I am destined to be.
To get what I want. To get what I deserve.
My goal is not to hurt anybody, but I will hurt anybody who hurts me. I will hurt anybody who stands in my way. Anybody who conspires against me. Especially and specifically behind my back.
It has been an interesting trajectory. And it ain't over yet, baby.
But I am learning. And getting tougher.