Sunday, May 19, 2013

Between Summer And Sixty

On January 1 of this year I posted introspection.

I tried to honestly assess the writing I do here, trace the history, identify changes I wanted to make. What I do here is important to me.

It is therapeutic but not cathartic. If it was cathartic I would evolve. Apparently I am resistant to evolving, and it burns me.

On 01/01/13, I laid out different approaches I wanted to take this year in here. Things I wanted to do, things I wanted to avoid.

Call it Adjustment 2.0

Adjustment 1.0 was when my magnificent son Keith pointed out that flat out negativity interests no one. That he refused to read the blackly negative stuff. Coming from an accomplished writer - and my first born son - I took his comments to heart.

It makes a lot more sense to use my talent to distract or entertain people, than to just wallow in despair, even if it is universally shared.

I have not succeeded completely at either adjustment. But I am trying and I think the writing got better.

This location at first was a confessional, then became, in my mind, a potential vehicle for my salvation. I believed I could change my life with quality writing. I believed that people would dig what I had to say and it would lead me somewhere.

Adjustment 3.0 is now taking shape. I met with Gen, a cousin of Carol's this past Monday. A writer. A published writer.

I approached her by E-mail because I am exploring opportunities this year. Actively trying to make things happen. I directed her to these pages and asked for advice. She graciously agreed to meet with me and we talked for almost 2 and 1/2 hours. She had done some digging in the blog.

She said something that hit me like a bolt of lightening. She pointed out that everything I write comes from the perspective of me, me, me, I, I, I. She said "Who gives a shit what you think?" Not maliciously, not hurtfully; helpfully. It was about me; it was about writing as a craft.

And she was right.

I have suspected this for a while. I got two bumps in readership over the past year resulting from people trying to get me exposure. Bumps where the daily hits to the blog jumped from 25 to over a hundred.

Temporarily.

Each time, when the attention quickly dwindled, I began to question my assumptions. I assumed that I had something to say, that I can say it better than most, and that people would identify with the words.

I had hundreds of people checking me out and I could not hold them.

Gen's words intermingled with my doubts on Monday and there was a sonic boom. She said a lot of other things that opened my eyes, gave me hints and advice. It was a great conversation, a great get together.

I am viciously motivated this year. Summer is on the cusp and my sixtieth birthday is approaching, albeit still 7 months away.

I need to enjoy this summer; I need to enter my 61st year with dignity. I NEED these things. I don't say that lightly.

Between summer and sixty, I am on high alert.

I am also fearful and unsure. This year is the first year in a long time that genuine doubt poisoned my mind allowing me to believe I would die a writer-wannabe. Another unrealistic dreamer making a fool out of himself and his life.

I outlined a four step approach in my mind to rev things up this year. Gen was step 3. Steps 1 and 2 accomplished nothing.

I am going to try to take a different approach in here, yet again.

Hopefully the writing in here will change. Hopefully it will get better. Hopefully it will entertain, challenge, inform and amuse you.

Hopefully it will lead me to the life I know was mapped out for me at birth.

There are no other options.

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