Thursday, December 12, 2013

2012, 2013, 2014........................................

I ain't gonna lie to you, I am distraught.

Last year cruising towards the end of 2012 I was bitter, angry and my hair was a mess. I ranted about how much I hated 2012 and how I wanted it to die a horrific, painful, stretched out death.

I did not have a feel for 2013, really had nothing to hope for except hope. Hope came around in Feb of 2013 but it turned right around like a rattler and bit me right on my ass.

19 days before the end of 2013 and I am lost, angry, and in pain.

This neck thing has turned into a war. Fucking hurts.

Had a physical therapy session this past Monday night and lo and goddamn behold I felt some relief. The first time in weeks. I was driving home and thinking that I felt a little better. Even more hopeful, on Tuesday morning on my way to The Asylum I still felt better.

Then my fucking job reared its ugly head and I wrecked my neck. I have been in extreme pain and discomfort since then. So much so that I parked myself in the office today and lifted nothing. I did not work a register, I did not move boxes. I basically pretended to be busy. I'm sure my little workmates were impressed.

 I have a 2:00 physical therapy session before going in to work tomorrow and I am jonesing for it like an addict.

Still, I am lost. Should I file workman's comp and drop out of site? Part of me believes this is the only way I can heal.

Then again I could lose my job. Remember, I work for scumbags.

I called the therapist yesterday because I was concerned. The pain spread from my neck, shoulders and back, to my right forearm, the back of my hand and my pinky finger went a little numb. I asked him if I was risking permanent damage. Believe me if I had to live the rest of my life like this I would jump off a fucking bridge.

You should see me drive. You would laugh your ass off. I have to contort myself into an awkward position just to get small relief from the pain.

I consulted a friend of mine, a union guy, about the workman's comp thing. He suggested I do it. Said I shouldn't gamble with my health. He also cautioned me that if I am put on light duty I could be fired because I am on probation, having been in the new job only 9 months. I do not even understand that logic.

Talked with my Swedish ex-pat friend and he suggested curcumin, a natural anti-inflammatory herb, which I am now taking. You should see the size of these pills. I have to shoot them down my throat with an air rifle. He suggested acupuncture, and chiropractic. He poo pooed physical therapy.

I have no clue which course is the right course. For now I am sticking to the physical therapy thing but I think it will be a long road and one that is armed with the land mine of my goddamn job.

Disclaimer: I do not have cancer. I have not had a heart attack or a stroke. I don't have it that bad. Those words are for those who feel the need to act as my conscience.

So I am facing the end of 2013 beat down, depressed, lost, angry, sad and in pain. In goddamn pain.

Two years in a row is too much, man. I gotta get me some light.

Maybe if I could live entirely in my head I would be happy. I sure as hell can't figure out your world.

I am bone tired. Life is a vampire that oh so slowly, oh so insidiously, sucks the marrow from your bones. Until you fall to the ground a jellyfish.

I didn't think I would be going out this way. I do not want to go out this way.

I want 2014 to be a real year. A year of life. A year of living.

I want 2014 to be the highest high I have ever experienced.

How do I do that. Light it on fire and inhale the fumes?

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