What I Got For Christmas

 I was digging on a pretty cool day on 12/25. Keith, Emily, Craig, Karen, Eddie and Carol.

Ultra family magnificence.

After a few cocktails, Keith sidled up to me and told me that his gift to me this year, as he handed me some paperwork, was to disown me as a dad. Small d.

He told me that I was a lovable loser and a no account boozer. Accused me of stealing his allowance money and some of his girlfriends from time to time when he was younger. He suspected me of drug addiction and petty crime. Said the words I never explained to him as curse words, got him suspended from school a couple of times. Told me he had no sense of fiscal responsibility due to the example I set by consistently buying Allman Brothers tickets rather than paying the mortgage.

In summation he told me I was a lazy, shiftless guy who set no kind of responsible example as a dad, nearly ruining his own life as he tried to figure the world out on his own.

I couldn't really argue, so I said thanks and immediately sat down next to Craig.

Who reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out some paperwork and told me he was disowning me as a dad. Small d.

He told me he never felt he could trust me as a child. That his hip hop CD's were constantly going missing and that he suspected I was the thief. But he was afraid to confront me because he thought I would beat him. He told me he figured I was the one who kept stealing his stash of booze from down in the cellar and later, his stash of pot from his bedroom. Said he felt I was drugged up and boozed out and that the example I set of always travelling with nips gave him a warped sense of what he could get away with in life, resulting in a night or two in jail with friends he never sent Christmas cards to.

In summation he told me I was a lazy, shiftless guy who set no kind of responsible example as a dad, nearly ruining his life as he tried to figure it out on his own.

I was struck by the similarities in their closing arguments.

I retired to the relative safety of the recliner.

After everyone left I asked Carol if she was happy with the necklace I procured for her at Jared's. She said she loved it and then told me she had filed for divorce. Said I was a spineless, weak willed guy, constantly leaking tears, who does not even come close to the definition of what a man should be. Told me I kiss like a fish and that I leave soap streaks on the dishes. Said she loathed the way I play dumb all the time so I can get her to do whatever it is I don't want to deal with. And she said she could never respect a man who cannot even fold a T-shirt neatly.

In summation she told me I was a lazy, shiftless guy who set no kind of example as a husband, nearly ruining her life as she made her way down the road with me as a handicap by her side.

Again, there were similarities in her closing argument.

It was an eventful Christmas. Not exactly what I expected.

But I've had worse.