Balloons, Parades and Cake

Balloons, parades and cake.

This is how adults celebrate things.

Can we possibly be serious?

To me, and believe me, I understand that my opinion means nothing, balloons are childish.

I am no longer fascinated by balloons. I stopped being fascinated at the age of nine.

The only balloons I am interested in now are, well, I can't really talk about it because I am married and have been since 1978. Since before The Big Bang. Since before dinosaurs ruled the earth. Since before everybody became politically correct and bland became the new sexy.

I wouldn't mind soaring in a hot air balloon. I did once and it was exquisite.

My buddy Dave and I decided we would do one crazy thing every year to expand our horizons.

We white water rafted. We floated in a balloon.

Both experiences were exceptional.

The next scheduled event was sky diving.

I backed out because my first born son was expected to arrive around the time of the big drop.

Dave and I have not done one more exceptional and life threatening thing since.

A cautionary tale for those planning on taking on responsibility.

Disclaimer: I have no regrets about becoming JoeDad. In fact it is the supreme accomplishment of my life. At least the fact that Keith and Craig still talk to me. That is a pretty big deal in my book.

But once you begin thinking cautiously you might as well cancel your subscription to Thrilling Life Scenarios.

Parades. Parades are boring. Are you kidding me?

If you have little ones, parades are cool because you can lie to them and pretend they are really seeing Santa or Easter Bunny or goddamn Bugs Bunny.

But as an adult you watch parades and the only thing that makes them interesting is the flask you keep concealed in your pants.

Woody Allen tried to make parades more interesting. In the movie "Take The Money and Run" there was a scene with a cello player in a marching band (Woody Allen). The guy was sitting on a chair trying to contribute his part but he had to keep getting up to move the chair and sit down again and play.

I would kill to watch a parade with a traveling cello player.

I attended the St.Patty's Day parade in Southie (Hi Bill) MANY years ago. That was interesting because the threat of violence was high. People were throwing bottles, swearing, fighting - what could be better than that?

We had to shoulder our way into bars and fight to get a drink. A heady challenge that our drunkenness paid homage to our persistence.

Cake.

Every goddamn corporate birthday, or official function, you gotta have cake.

And that cake always comes form Shaws. Or Wal-Mart.

Disgusting, tasteless cake smothered in uber-sugar frosting.

Why do we not procure quality cake? Premium, moist and delicious cake with supreme frosting to die for.

My lovely wife, Carol, could make a killing in the corporate birthday cake field.

Charge these taste bud hacks $450 per cake to please their taste buds in a way they never knew they could be pleased before.

We relax our standards as we get older, accept any kind of drivel because we are more focused on the tradition than the substance.

The exact opposite should be true.

We should demand more as we get older; more quality, more pleasure, more satisfaction.

Essentially, these "celebrations" become meaningless because they are so juvenile.

Although, if someone stuck a birthday candle in a Hostess Cupcake I would be genuinely excited on January 1.

One never knows.