Feeling (Alive?)

My emotions are running wild and running deep tonight so I suggest you duck.

I was driving home from another meaningless day at The Asylum and my mind was wandering.

Thinking I don't have meaningless days to waste. Wondering how I am going to get out of this. Thinking about the job I applied for with the wrong intent, thinking about how I withdrew the application for the right reasons.

Jonathan, Sarge and Kevin surfaced in my brain and I drove through tears.

Again.

Passed a few people walking dogs and succumbed to immediate peace.

I am such an animal lover. Deep, in awe, in wonder.

I look at fellow pet lovers, out walking their dogs and I get it - I connect with them immediately and deeply even though to them I am nothing more than another passing car; a broken commuter. My soul, my heart goes quiet. I smile. I feel.

Got home to a quiet house - Carol is indulging one of her loves - bowling - with her very close friends.

I hugged Maka and Lakota repeatedly. Kissed their heads gently and repeatedly.

Went upstairs and threw the bedroom sliders wide open so I could breathe what is real and the cats could be mesmerized.

They were.

On the way home I was listening to 92.5, The River. They ran a promo.

"For people who grew up with great music and still have a taste for what's next."

That's me. That is who I am.

That promo made me feel good about myself. I needed to feel good about myself.

I am 61. I grew up through The Beatles and The Stones and The Doors and Led Zeppelin and Jimi and Janice and Santana and The Allman Brothers and much, much, much, much more.

It was a magnificent time and I did not experience it as a backdrop to getting high or drunk or laid.

I experienced it in pure wonder at how the music made me feel and think and question and learn and be so goddamn alive.

I felt so goddamn alive listening to that music I could not sit still and I cannot sit still today.

I never lost that joy.

My sons turned me on to great music and I was grateful.

While my friends laughed at rap and grunge and nineties stuff, I got exposed to it because my sons made the effort and I was receptive.

Later on I fell in love with Mumford & Sons. American roots music. I dig Sam Smith. Adele. Florence and The Machine and on and on and on.

My supremely talented daughter (in-law) continues to blow my mind with her talent and passion and to turn me on to the supreme emotion and drama that is opera.

I grew up with great music and I still have a taste for what's next.

When I come up here to write, which is often, I am confronted with reminders.

To my left is a picture of me and Sarge and Kevin. Sometimes I look at that picture and I see Sarge's character and Kevin's smile and my gratefulness at being related to them.

Sometimes I see me alone.

Just to the left of that is a picture of Sarge standing at home looking down at Newman, Newman looking up at Sarge. A precious picture, especially to one who worships pets.

The first time we visited Maine after Sarge died, Kevin was sitting in Sarge's recliner. The next visit, after Kevin died, Newman was curled up in Sarge's recliner.

It made sense in an empty, painful way.

On the windowsill in front of me is a small urn with Jonathan's ashes.

It has been there since January 1, 2015. I have looked at it a lot.

I only opened it once. When I did I cried uncontrollably.

I will not open it again.

Next to Jonathan's urn is a lyric by Dani and Lizzy on a laminated card. "Dancing In The Sky." These words were read at Jonathan's burial.

A burial I missed because of fucking work obligations.

The lyrics are magnificent. The picture above the lyrics is of Jonathan standing arms wide in front of a lake at sunset. A lake where a friend of his used to take him to keep his mind off of heroin.

It is a picture in a spectacular setting at a moment when Jonathan was feeling free.

 I am struggling to get these words down tonight because I am struggling to hold back the tears.

In reality I am not holding back a goddamn thing. The tears are rolling down my face.

I am raw emotion and I will never apologize for that.

Tonight my emotions are all over the map.