Kevin Sargent

My nephew, Kevin Sargent, committed suicide on Saturday, March 14, 2015.

He was 34 years old.

Technically he was not my nephew, he was Carol's. The youngest son of Carol's oldest brother, Wayne.

I have no patience for distinctions like that.

I loved him deeply and I refuse to qualify him in a way that puts distance between us.

Carol and I saw him just two weeks ago. We motored up to Maine to visit with Cori, John and Kevin.

It was our first visit since Sarge died and we did it so that all three would know that we love them. That just because Sarge is gone does not mean we no longer think or care about them.

This family is close and we all mean a lot to one another. It is a gift to be treasured because the world is cold and people suck.

Kevin appeared to be in good spirits that day. We had a great visit. Lots of conversation, munching, watching racing.

We took a road trip around the area looking at mobile homes. Kevin drove. Carol and I are considering that area as one option for relocation when we retire.

Kevin told me he had been having a problem recently and he almost came down to visit us.

He has said that many times over the years. He almost visited us, he almost called us.

That sentence tortures me and Carol now.

We gave him our standard answer - the door is always open, don't even call first, just drive down and make yourself at home.

Came from the heart. But now it feels like we were missing something.

Urgency. A cry for help. Panic.

I don't know. But it breaks our hearts to think we could have helped in some way and were unable to do it.

Kevin lived with us once or twice many years ago when he was having trouble in his life.

Totally comfortable. Felt like he belonged in our home because, at that time, he did.

He and I watched a lot of movies together. Rich, dark movies that connected with both of us.

I have been to a number of Allman Brothers concerts with Kevin. One night in particular I should have never driven home. Please don't tell Carol.

But we had a blast.

Carol and I have been to many races with Kevin at NH Motor Speedway. One time it was Kevin and Paul scrunched into the back of Carol's bug, the car jammed with coolers and chairs and whatever.

What a great memory.

Kevin has been to our house many times for family get togethers. The best were when all three amigos - Kevin, Jeff and Paul were here together. Even better when Keith and Craig were here as well.

I am completely lost here. I am ticking off memories and facts like a shopping list.

When in reality I am completely broken. As is Carol.

We hurt, we cry, we wonder how we missed that much pain in our nephew. We are disoriented and empty, we cannot accept reality.

Kevin was a big and a precious part of our life. He meant a lot to us. We were close in a way that many families don't experience.

When we talked there was no bullshit.

It was always from the heart.

There is no way to close this because Kevin shocked us with his decision. There is no way to define it or wrap it up.

The emptiness will always be with us, as well as the self questioning, the wondering what we could have done to prevent this.

All I can say, Kevin, is we loved you, we will always love you.

We are grateful to have called you nephew.

Peace to you.