Don't Like What I See

This weekend Carol and I will attend the spreading of Sarge's ashes.

Sarge, her brother, her brother that she was so close to and loved and appreciated so much.

We have known about this weekend for a bit and I vowed silently to myself that I would be sensitive and attentive to Carol.

It will turn into a party, and I do like to party, but my barely functioning brain recognized that this is not about me.

It is about Sarge. It is about Carol.

Today is Tuesday and I blew it already.

Carol spoke to Cori, they made plans and Carol and I discussed them afterwards.

Somehow I turned this into a selfish moment and made a comment that hurt Carol.

This moment knocked me down. It shined a light on my twisted brain and its ability to interpret every situation in terms of me.

I am deep in introspection right now, trying to see my truth for what it is and to twist it into a better truth.

At the first challenge, I stumble. I stumble in a situation that demands sensitivity. I stumble in a situation that demands that I put Carol's needs ahead of my own.

I am looking hard at myself and I don't like what I see.

I expect that Carol doesn't like what she sees either.