When We Got Home

Carol and I drove 5 and 1/2 hours to New York on Saturday and five and 1/2 hours home yesterday (See following post).

Actually, I should clarify - Carol did all the driving. She is a rock.

We got home at 3:00 on a beautiful Summer Sunday afternoon, loved our cats, unpacked and settled down to watch the rest of the Sox game.

We were exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

We watched The Sox lose to the goddamn yankees, we watched Jordan Spieth cruelly defeat Tom Gillis as the about to turn 47 year old Gilllis came within a breath of winning his first PGA tournament.

Carol read The Concord Monitor, I read Time and Rolling Stone magazines.

We talked, we didn't talk.

I microwaved some White Castle burgers when we first sat down which we augmented with delightful kettle chips; later we ate leftovers.

We watched four episodes of Californication.

In other words, we resumed our life together.

Simply, warmly and meaningfully.

This is what I keep coming back to when I think about Jonathan, Kevin and Sarge.

I am a guy who wants it all.

I want to travel, I want expensive cars and immaculately tailored clothes, I want to dine out with impunity whenever the urge strikes us, I want to spoil Carol in whatever way would make her happiest.

I will probably never have these things.

 My life is these small moments and I have become acutely aware of this.

I dig them. More than ever before.

These are moments Sarge and Jonathan and Kevin will never again have. These are moments those who love them will never again be able to share.

I have been a classic fool for sacrificing these moments in anguished desire for a future I cannot even accurately define.

I am, however, getting better at appreciating those I love and those who love me.

Carol and I buried her brother Sarge on Saturday.

We cried, and then we relaxed and laughed and reminisced in the company of family and friends.

We arrived home with freshly re-opened wounds, and subtle (maybe not so subtle) changes to our psyches and our hearts.

We settled down to the simplicity of a warm summer afternoon complemented by the depth of a lifetime spent together.

It was a beautiful ending to a difficult weekend.

I am grateful.