Obnoxiously Happy

I woke up happy today.

I have woken up happy almost every day for over a week now (maybe more - I lost track).

You say: "So what? Lots of people wake up happy."

True dat. 

I had to use that phrase. I am not qualified to use that phrase. It would sound disingenuous coming out of my mouth. But it popped into my head and I used it. Live with it.

Many people wake up happy and I have always envied them. I am willing to bet that more people wake up unhappy than happy. I was one of them.

We were on vacation up at Old Orchard Beach many years ago. Carol and I were standing side by side on the balcony outside our room in the morning, looking down on people gathered on the beach. These people were sitting on blankets, drinking coffee and laughing.

I said: "I wish I could be happy as easily as that." Carol asked: "Why can't you?" A reasonable question, but one that someone like me could never explain to someone like her.

The sad truth is that feeling happy is such a foreign feeling to me that it blindsides me. 

I have had periods of "happiness" before, but this one feels different. This one does not feel temporary.

There has been a fundamental shift in my essence that bodes well for me. And others.

I may become a dangerous individual in 2022. Because along with feeling happy, I am feeling confident.

I am not familiar with either one of those feelings individually, never mind simultaneously.

Happy & Confident? You have to be kidding me.

Anyway, I rolled out of bed and downstairs this morning and sunshine was firing out of my ears. I felt so good, I feel so good.

I feel my internal organs regenerating after decades of horrific abuse. Even my liver.

Prostate cancer is thinking "Holy shit - I sense positivity. We can't beat this guy. Time to retreat and go kill somebody else."

My chest is swelling with pride. Pride in myself. I feel good about who I am and where I am.

How bizarre, how bizarre.

Predictably, I will be obnoxious about this until I get it all under control; until it seeps into my soul and becomes a natural part of who I am. Until then you will suffer perpetually. But there are less meaningful things to celebrate than happiness. No?

Right now it feels like 1969 - the year I got drunk and high for the first time, and had sex for the first time. A banner year indeed.

I have put a lot of work into this. I know why I am here. I will not analyze this to death. I will roll with it. I will feed it and appreciate it and eat heartily of the fruit it produces.

Life is a strange and unpredictable thing.

You take what you can control and mix it up with what you can't.

If you come out on the plus side, you win.

Feels like I am winning.