Tom Brigham

Tom Brigham died yesterday.

This is my first harsh lesson in 2022.

Tom was a friend of mine. I met him through Sarge - my amazing brother-in-law.

Tom and I connected. Tom connected with a lot of people. But he and I came from different backgrounds, we grew up differently, we lived different lives - but there was something there, something between us.

He was a troubled guy; he had problems with alcohol. His daughter Darby said it truthfully on facebook - "He succumbed to a lifelong battle that eventually took a toll on his body and his mind................He is a reminder to us all of what the disease of addiction can do, even to the most good-hearted and intelligent of people."

Good-hearted and intelligent he was. I believe that addiction is not just a disease of the body, it is a disease of the vulnerable - the sensitive, the compassionate, the empathetic - people who are not built to deal with the nastiness of life.

When Sarge died, I spoke at the celebration of his life. Tom and Sarge were close friends. When I sat down, Tom came up behind me, tilted my head back and kissed me on the forehead. He was eating cheese and crackers at the time and I had to wipe crumbs off my forehead.

I didn't mind. Because I knew that kiss was his way of appreciating what I said. And because I loved him.

Tom and I connected over Richard Brautigan and Tom Waits. Richard Brautigan was a novelist, poet and short story writer. Tom Waits is Tom Waits.

These are two very specific connections, but they are indicative of a common point of view, a mindset, a shared sensitivity that was really behind our friendship.

Tom contacted me on September 6, 2021 when his ex-wife died unexpectedly. He did not have my phone number, so he posted this message on facebook: "Joe, call me when you can please, now or when you can. It's important." He listed his number. I think it was around 9 o'clock. Carol saw the message almost immediately, I called him right away.

He was shook up. He wasn't sure how to deal with his three daughters and his ex-wife's current husband. He was close with them all; he told me they all spent time together. He was worried about how involved he should get in the aftermath - he did not want to offend the husband or hurt his daughters by diving in with both feet.

That's how sensitive he was - he was hurt by his ex-wife's death, but he worried more about her husband and his daughters than he did about himself.

He posted this on facebook after we spoke - "Thanks my valued friend. You know Joe, I was never lucky in love and that's perfectly fine with me because I've certainly been lucky enough to have good friends. Friends that when you haven't seen or spoken with for long periods of time and you reach out for them late at night, call you within minutes. You and Carol are the Finest-kind. My brain was scrambled and I needed sound advice. You came through like I knew you would. Thank you my brother."

He called me about a month later. He has a daughter who lives in China; he was worried about her because she was not handling her mother's death very well. She was hostile and angry; when she communicated with Tom or her sisters she was full of fuck you's and fuck life; Tom could not break through her anger. He did not know what to do.

We talked a while, I did the best I could. That's the last conversation we had.

Here is what's killing me today - after both calls I made a mental note to give Tom a call to see how he was doing. I never did. Now I will never get the chance. Now I will never get the chance.

The heart always knows what is the right thing to do. But sometimes laziness or selfishness or thoughtlessness gets in the way and the moment is lost. Sometimes forever.

The "Thank You" message he posted on facebook after the first call made me feel good at the time. Not so much now.

The lesson I learned from all this is burning inside me right now. Like everything else personal to me in 2022, I think it is here to stay.

Tom - Thanks, man. We had some fun. We had a lot of fun. A measure of insanity. And sensitivity - Brautigan, Waits, and all that implies. I am grateful that you were a part of my life.

I miss you. I love you.

Tom's daughter Darby's final words on facebook - "May he find the peace and freedom that was always just out of reach."

That is my deepest wish as well.