Intriguing Theory

I am reading a book about a guy who terrorized California's Central Valley.

He was a hit man for drug cartels based in Mexico. Drug lords would contact him regarding people who needed to be disciplined, he would track them down and kill them, be very well compensated, then fly home to his wife and kids. 

His name is Jose Martinez. He's currently serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole. He was convicted of 12 murders and confessed to 36.

He also killed people for fun. He killed a guy who parked in his driveway after being warned twice to park on the street. He killed a guy because Martinez wanted to have an affair with his wife. And on and on.

Still......................

Carol and I are re-watching The Sopranos. We wrapped up Seinfeld and turned to darkness.

Now we enjoy a nightly dose of vicious beatings and death, victims trembling in fear and begging, sadistic torture for fun and profit.

Still..........................

I love violence.

I love it because I want to dish it out. 

It seems to me that the threat of violence; lying, deceipt and exploitation is a wonderful way to live a life. Bad guys win, nice guys lose. Bad guys live thrilling lives, nice guys die a torturously slow- moving death. As I am.

When my brain goes dark I think that if I exuded violence, if I didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything, if I was brazen, if I took what I wanted whenever I wanted - I would be much further ahead in life.

For instance I would be fucking retired.

(Quick segue - A woman walked into the box office recently. She recognized me before I recognized her. She said hello and I realized she worked for the City, in a different department than I did. Our paths crossed from time to time. When I asked how she's doing she said "I'M RETIRED!" Every person on planet earth is retired. Except for me.)

I'm not talking about killing people. I'm talking about just not giving a fuck. Not respecting any rules. Not giving a damn about other peoples' feelings. Not doing what is expected of every little man and good citizen. Good citizens work jobs they hate for 50 years and die one day after they retire.

Jose Martinez and Tony Soprano are feeding my dark impulses. This would be a great time for me to go vicious. No one would ever expect it. I'm a nice guy (on the outside).

If I started getting in peoples' faces, if I took big risks, if I quit my job and rolled the dice - people would be shocked.

Then I could take advantage of them. Use them to get what I fucking need. Right fucking now. I don't have any time left to waste.

It's an intriguing theory.